The last two weeks have been something else. Teaching an overload and being involved with so much at works keeps be really, really busy all day long. I am good at busy. I am familiar with busy and as long as I keep busy, I am happy at work, but when I get into my car and start the 30 minute drive home, I realize the toll my day has had on me and I start feeling exhausted. By the time I get to Asher's sitter, I am just beat. Every day, it is the same, wrangle Asher, then climb into the back floorboard to get him into his seat- it's in the center of the car, because the car is dangerous enough on its own. The center of the back seat is much safer than either of the sides, but it is so hard to get Asher in his seat- which is why once we get home, I DO NOT GO ANYWHERE else. Getting him in and out of the car is agony.
Then, I try to figure out dinner. And it turns into a fiasco every day of trying to make it without Asher getting hurt. I am mostly successful. A couple days ago, while carrying chopped vegetables to the stove, I turned just in time to see Asher pull out the keyboard shelf on the dinky computer desk and climb onto it from the desk chair. I remember yelling "NO!" then seeing the computer, desk, chair and Asher plummet to the floor. He screamed and then stopped when I picked him up and told me "big owie" and showed me the barely pink tip of his index finger. The desk, keyboard tray and computer mouse were not so lucky. Thankfully, the computer itself and Asher were very, very lucky. After I realized Asher was ok, I realized all my chopped vegetables were all over the floor. I must have thrown the cutting board (hard) running to try to save Asher. While cleaning that, I got about 34 (maybe 35) text messages from Valerie telling me she did NOT want to come home from her friend's house. At that point, school had been out for four hours and she still was not home. She got home about the same time I got everything cleaned up. She put her clothes in the washer and started walking upstairs when I asked for her to please watch Asher for a little bit. She refused and went to her room, turned off the lights and refused to answer me when I stood by her bed and told her she could not go to bed without contributing anything.
then I felt like crying, but my phone rang, the cat started scratching at the door, and Asher screamed for me, so I forgot all about my needs and wants and just did what I had to do. This happens more days than not. The details are different, but it is an established pattern. Asher is up till 12 am- 2 am- it varies, so that means I have absolutely no break ever. The drive home from work is the closest I get to relaxing all day. Then Matt works Saturday. I am so exhausted from my week, I don't get the shopping done for groceries, so we have "creative" meals more nights than not, though this week, we had three planned-for and shopped for meals. That is a first in many months.
I am beat. I am exhausted.
I am happy though. I realized two days ago, I have not cried in many, many months. There are many reasons for that, but the biggest is that I realized I just had to stop caring about people/places/things that don't care about me. That was incredibly liberating and i am so much happier.
things are good, but I am definitely exhausted. I would say I wish Matt worked first shift, but that would come with its own issues- mostly Asher who has NEVER gone to sleep before 11 pm EVER. EVER. EVER. So actually, I guess this is as good as it will get. I need to remind myself of that, so that is what I am doing now.
We love our house.
The Tercel, by some miracle, is still running. This MUST continue, because we absolutely can not afford a different car and definitely not a car payment.
I have the best job in the world and Matt found his perfect job.
I have awesome children that keep me busy and have taught me that I don't really matter. I kid, I kid... kind of. Sigh.
SO... blessed, I am. I know it, but dern if I am not happy when Matt gets home and I can go to bed. Speaking of... night night.
5 comments:
crystal, as always, i wish i were closer so that i could help out, especially with asher. you do lead a completely exhausting life, but you are a good mom. pat yourself on the back for that. i can remember not talking or liking my mom for a couple of years. i did get pay back, though. unfortunately, that is how life is. hang in there. i love you and love you for your efforts. and love you for loving your family and my son.
What a tribute this post is to the value of service to others. It definitely has a strange way of helping us forget our own problems and making us happy. Thank you for all you do. I am confident it does not go unnoticed.
Thanks, guys. I suppose it would not be so bad if I had a cheerful heart about it, but most days, I am pretty depressed. I am exhausted and I just want a normal life with some relaxation- even just 30 minutes to read- a day. This constantly going is utterly exhausting. We feel so isolated and invisible too, and that does not help. We don't hear from people often and find out about things after they happen, so that is hurtful too. It feels intentional, though I doubt it is. Ugh. It is just a little rough, though not unfamiliar.
Referring to ward get-togethers- but we are up for hearing more from family too!
I dont know how you do it...Saidee deosnt go to sleep till 11 or 12, but I make her stay in her room and play, otherwise I would have a nervous breakdown....she often falls asleep on the floor surrounded by toys...lol
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