My Biggest Fear

Six years ago, in two weeks, I got the call I knew was coming.

"Crystal."

"yes"

"I am calling because...."

"he died, didn't he?"

"yes."

I had been expecting it because 3 days before, my grandfather called me to tell me good-bye and that he loved me and to have my mom and my uncle call him.

It went something like this

me:"hello?"

grandpa: "da da da gasp da da da love"

"I love you too, grandpa"

"da da da da da da gasp gasp scared da da hurts"

"I know, grandpa, I know you will be going to a better place, it is going to be ok, it will.  It will be ok"

"da da da da sure? da da da you're sure?"

"yes"


"call. mom."

my mind was racing- he called my grandmother "mom" but they had been divorced for years.

"call mom?"

"yes"


"da da da da da Call. Ron da da da"

"call Ron?"

"yes"

"i love you, grandpa, I am so so sorry.  I will call them now.  I love you, bye!"

He was gasping for breath and every struggle for oxygen was accompanied by the most awful, gutteral moan that sounded like he was crying for his daddy.  It was awful.

I called my mom (I sure hope that is who he meant), and I called my uncle.  They each spoke to him that day. 

Then, after 2 more days, he died.  It still haunts me.

He had just been diagnosed with brain and lung cancer 5 months before.

I flew my mom to Seattle, complete with rental car, spending money, and Seattle CityPass for a week, because I had just started a new semester.  Besides, they had some things to patch up.  Grandpa and I were always very close, despite the short leash, complete with choke chain that he kept on me all during high school.

The thing that haunted me most was how sad he died.  Essentially alone, his hard work, relatively unrewarded.  It was his death that led me to really get frustrated with those who say "it will all work out..."  "this is but a moment..." "it is going to be just fine" in response to the devastation of others.

Sometimes, it really does not all end up ok. Grandpa Hart taught me that.


One year later, I got an email telling me a colleague's wife was very sick- with leukemia- and could someone please help with his classes.  He happened to be teaching the exact things I was, so I contacted the writer of the plea and took his entire lab load.

They had a 3 year old little boy, and the last thing on earth they needed to worry about was classes.

I split one lab with another professor, but I took his load- and mine- for an entire semester.  It was not compensated- even a dollar- and has been one of the most sacred experiences of my life.  I knew that I was important to that story.  When I think about that time of my life, I like to think that it is exactly how I hope I am defined.  Impulsive, if the intuition I rely upon leads me to be.  Kind, to a fault, hard working beyond expectation, loving with no reservation.

Both of these stories lead into my biggest fear.

Dying with no legacy, dying without love from a husband.  Having worked so hard for nothing.  Sometimes, I feel like those things are happening to me.  Sometimes, I have amazing hope that I am going to have the kind of love, life and experiences that I have always dreamed of, and worked for.

Then.  Something happens that makes me think, "what if my worst fears are realized?"