What happens when you need to pick up the Pieces?

I have spent so much time in the last year thinking about what I "should've" done, said, tried... been... and compiled with so much that I can not even begin to articulate, it has left me nearly decimated, as a person.  But I am a person who had things to do.  I had a job to get done, science to perform.  A daughter who still somehow believes in me, and a son... That little boy DESERVES a mom who does not give up.  Regardless, I have felt time and again, like giving up.  Crying until there is nothing left but an empty sac of skin and bone and heart that used to leap with joy, feel hopeful, and believe that love, or at least good, wins in the end.  Gone from that body would be all tears, logic, sadness.  It would have seeped, unnoticed, into the ground beneath it, beside it, totally unrecognized for what it was.










Eyes that looked up, forever cast down.

Sleep, a forever escape into the numbness that I had never felt attracted to before.

It makes me sad to think about that, and sometimes, I do still feel that agony, but mostly, I have learned that I need to DO something about it.  I have learned a lot, but most of what I have learned in this time is that I have a lot of work to do, and I still know what I want, but I need to recognize and FIX to my best ability my insecurites and fears.  Realize most of those are not even real, and let them go.  They are literally dragging me down.



Still though, the overwhelming desire to want to give up, is nearly absent, and that is a major relief.  I know longer internalize what I want -v- what I have as a problem with me, as a person.  It is a problem, one that I need to, and can solve.  I will.  I may have to sit, think, dwell, mourne, but I have done all that before, and I have been ok.  I will not give up hope though, because I know, when I am at my strongest all the time, and sometimes when I am at my weakest, that there is too much to give up on.  Too much good.  Too much promise.