Memoir: I Dont Remember

Thank you for the blog prompts Ann Dee Ellis.

This is the thing I regret most, in my life so far.  I do not remember much at all, about Valerie until she was 7.

I have a pop of memory here and there, a vague echo in my brain with her little voice asking for me to design "act-tick-ities" for her... I remember her naming my best friend"Tiffy," I remember she spit up a lot, and had chronic ear "confections" (and a fear of the dr), and I remember her giving me a "new kind of kiss!" LOL!!!  I took a ton of photos, which play in my mind like a slide show, but they are not actual memories. They are evidence that I was there, but even now, I feel so detached from my life- all of it- not just as her mom... from 20-28.  I was way too freaking busy.


I remember flashes of pregnancy- I only let pictures be taken of me pregnant... at 20... one time- my baby shower and really, if I was assertive, I would have had no pictures taken of me then either.  I was terrified.  How was I going to take care of this baby and go to school, and make money?

I wish I remembered her better.  It is like looking through my mind in slow-motion.  Like viewing life with open eyes, but while peering up from the bottom of a pool.  Muffled sound, shimmers of memory.

Several years ago, Valerie found a box of video tapes I had made when she was super little.  I remember feeling very relieved when she played them.  There I was patty-caking with her.  There I was kissing and hugging and giggling with her... but all the while I had THREE (one full time) jobs, 18-23 credits per semester, and then graduate school at the same time I was mom.  I am so glad I kept up with my education, but dammit, I wish I had not been so busy when she was little.  She was my strength, because she deserved the best, and in my mind, that could only come from the kind of paces I put myself through... was I right? Probably not, but I did my best with what I had.  I realized though, by the time she was 2, that I had to wait until I was finished with graduate school to have another child.  THAT, I was right about, because I remember Asher.