Have you ever gotten a vibe that unless you have good things to say- or bad things to say but with a frightening unnatural giggle, that your opinion is not wanted? I will say this, my mom, dad, grandparents, etc never really wanted much to hear what I had to say if I was moaning and groaning... which i understand very well, having a pretty unhappy about most things daughter. I am really hoping it is the age. One thing it has done is really made me not ever have much to say that was "negative" in conversation unless I could then make a joke or follow it up with a "but that's ok!" in my most-perfected cheerleading voice. Anyway, that is where this blog comes in. I really do not trust a lot of people with my thoughts and struggles... which is weird, I know since my blog is all out there on the world-wide web and all, BUT! I really do not think about people ever reading this. In fact, sometimes, I am super-shocked when someone says, "I read on your blog..." Ah! I feel like I was caught in my underware- which are not NEARLY as attractive as they were a couple years ago, so I feel embarrassed AND humiliated.
But that's ok!
No, really, it is, because I have had nothing but kindness come from these exchanges. Well, not counting certain people who no longer visit, so I am safe there.
Anyway, my life is stressful! I would get into why but I don't want to write a list, I was going through "the list" at work today in my mind and I got so upset that I started crying and left without finishing up what I had planned to do today. I could not think straight at all. I thought, now... sniff... what was I going to do next... sniff... NOTHING?? Ok, I am outta here then!
It isn't that I shouldn't be upset about what is upsetting me, but none the less, my upset makes me feel ashamed.
I feel so alone. On the one hand, I feel like I have truly the.most.amazing. friends. I really do, but I am so hesitant to share with them because of the whole embarrassed AND humiliated issue. I want to only share happy things and tell them some good news, for once.
Instead...
I am scared for the first time of my adult life. We are talking migranes, vomiting, sleepless, downright SCARED. I do not like this one bit. Where is my respite? Where is my worth it in the end? Where are... my pillow and warm feet?
2 comments:
You have very valid reasons for being scared. And you should be able to share your fears in the ways that make you most comfortable--whether that be calling and sharing directly--or writing out your feelings on your blog. Please know you can always call me. You are a wonderful amazing person and you shouldn't ever feel alone. You are in my heart always.
Hugs and prayers Crystal. I feel that same way about my facebook =( which is why I have resorted to going back and deleting most everything after I post it =(
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