I, myself had quite an epiphany in the wee hours of the morning, once I was finally asleep in Asher's bed. It is hard to articulate, really, but it comes down to this. I was quite open (and I would say willing) to following, doing what I was told, and I was especially attentive when promises were made to me. As one who has not had many promises made, or effort expended on my behalf, in the ways normal for a little girl, adolescent, etc., I tend to believe it when I am promised something. I also realized, in this dream I had, I tend to believe a lot of things told to me by men. I really have only had one man ever tell me something BAD was going to happen to me, but by, and large, I have heard over and over again:
if you ____________, then you will be blessed by _________________.
I will give you a few examples... If you participate in "March Madness" (read the book of mormon in 31 days of March), you WILL have answers to your fervent prayers (mine was how on earth am I going to write a thesis, work at Mary Baldwin, teach at UVA and be a nanny?). Turns out, I was unable to write my thesis for 6 more months, and by that point, I was given an MS instead of a PhD for it. But I believed it. Somehow, I did the March Madness thing, I TRIED to also write my thesis, but I just had too much to do at one time.
This has been a pattern over and over again. I absolutely rely on the words and promises of others, and often have been disappointed when I put in my part, and the other part just is forgotten, somewhere in space and time... and if I bring it up, I am treated like an ungrateful little brat.
This pattern has established itself so deeply in my life, that I realize I have to break it. Do not believe in things that don't seem right. That March Madness thing: I wanted to believe it... Nothing BAD happened to me, but nothing good happened either. I was a skeptic, but willing to go along with it, because it was the "right" thing to do... but then I was disappointed, and I tried to come up with all sorts of reasons in my brain as to why it was actually really a blessed time, a wonderful time... maybe I was asking for the wrong thing (after all, what is a 7 year investment of time, all one's energy, and effort when we are talking about eternity?). I internalized all the disappointments until I started voicing them. Then I got message after message telling me to have no expectations, then I would be never disappointed. I tried that too. It made me depressed.
My epiphany has been to trust myself.
I will just do what I am capable of, and take the power of the situation to act, and not do something in hopes that the universe will reward me by being so gosh darned ___________, by showing me how much I deserve to be blessed by _________. If anything, I have realized that the world does not work like that. Some people are just really, really lucky. Some people are just really, really... not. I am not lucky in the traditional sense. But in other ways, there is no one so blessed as me. Through all the terrible things that have happened, and through all the exhilarating things too, I have learned who I am and what I stand for. I really have been blessed by my own heart. It is a good one, and that is the best thing about me. Every day, I can promise in 2012, I was frantic in my mind and in my heart, but not many people ever saw it, and if they did, it was only a glimpse of what was going on internally. I keep it quiet. I do not want others to feel burdened by my burdens. That has to count for something... even if it doesn't.
Realizing what I have is invaluable, and I am grateful. It is ok to depend on myself. I don't let myself down nearly as often as I have been let down by others.
1 comment:
I love this post. It reminds me of the logic of Sartre and Camus. I feel like I'm a Christian Existentialist. I believe in my capacity to create meaning and beauty in my life because I am a child of God. You're such a powerful person. You create good from such chaos. I am so proud of you.
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