One year of living authentically

One year ago, I came out.  There were plenty of whisperings, as became more and more apparent, but last year, on January 1, I came out to the world.  I said it with my own articulated thoughts.  I was leaving the LDS church.  This is a big deal.  Mormons believe you are putting your salvation at risk if you leave them, and they often perpetuate the ideal that a person leaving must surely be leaving because of laziness or sin.  One thing is for sure- I am not lazy.  I work hard despite agonizing pain every day.  And another thing is also for sure- I did leave because of sin.  Not my sins though, the sins of those who lead and have led the LDS church.  I did leave because of sin.  Make no mistake.

In the past 12 months, I have had a couple cups of coffee- it is so, so good at HHMI, that is the only place I have had it in the last 12 months.

I have had alcohol- a margarita, and wine- also at HHMI, and my colleague gave me a bottle for Christmas.

I drink Chai.

I still wear the bottoms of my mormon underware, but could not stop wearing the tops soon enough.  I have not stepped foot inside a mormon church in a year.  It was scary.  It was really, really scary.

I had been keeping this anonymous blog (SO AFRAID SOMEONE WOULD REALIZE IT WAS MINE!!)  and one thing that has really struck me this last year was mentioned in that blog- leaving the church definitely puts a person into a grief cycle.

I have grieved for the love and acceptance.

I have found myself really angry that I believed such things- such UNBELIEVABLE things- and that I thought those beliefs were divinely inspired, and of "the spirit."  The last year has taught me that I have immense capacity for love and peace and... those things- those feelings... they were mine.  I felt like such a selfish brat thinking that for the longest time.  But lots of people in lots of religions have had profound spiritual experiences.  Though I thought mine were better and of a higher value, they weren't.  It just turns out that we are amazingly capable of good and good thoughts.  That. THAT, has been scary.

It has also been a realization that has moved me to tears time and again.

I am so grateful I trusted myself, and stopped with the mental and spiritual abuse, but I have greatly grieved the loss of the church.  It was my love, my life, my purpose and meaning for 10 years.  The hardest, and best, and most meaningful years yet- of my life.  I still am a bit traumatized from leaving, but I am better every day.  I am trusting myself.  I, Crystal, am living authentically and would know what?  I am so much better for it.  I am kinder, more accepting, and I am becoming a better me.  That is remarkable really.

Ironically, the church has been posting a series to help 'innoculate' members about tough issues.  I do not think the postings go far enough (well, that of course would mean stating that the truth claims are false), but it is interesting.  It is also interesting that these postings are posted and not perpetuated on the mormon newsroom site that everything else is publicized on, and that they are undated.  

They are, indeed, innoculations.  They will be used to immunize people against finding out, and feeling betrayed by, the truth.

"What? you thought that God cursed people with a skin of blackness? We believe that is uninspired, just look at this that we have published (on Dec 9, 2013, lol)"

"You did not realize that the official version of Joseph Smith is actually the fifth version of the first vision? Pffft.  Well you were just not aware- look here, it has been published by the bretheren, hush now (Published Dec 2, 2013)."

"Wait, sister- to paraphrase your concerns you thought that Gordon B Hinckley said to Larry King that 'only 2-5% of the population were ever involved in polygamy. This essay now reports 20%-50% were polygamous. This is a ten-fold increase from what was previously reported! The repeated cover up, or downplaying, of the weird aspects of the church is what has opened my eyes recently. These essays are going to push a lot of members over the edge? ' well, look! We have addressed that here ( December 15, 2013)- stay away from those anti-mormon sites!"  

"Let me get this straight, you got in an argument about how offensive an old South Park cartoon was about mormonism was only to find out the more bizarre parts were actually correct?  You did not know Joseph Smith "translated" the Book of Mormon using a "seer stone" he found buried, but placing it, and his face in a hat?  Well, you were just uninformed- the brethren have addressed that already- these are old issues.  (published Dec 30, 2013).

I am so glad to be done with the cognitive dissonance. 

I lived authentically in 2013.

Edited to add:

This from a facebook group today, Jan 1.  See.  Told ya so.