Thinking and Dreaming

Such stirrings I feel in my soul this day.  I could not help but notice, when I took Misha to walk this morning, the birds were singing.  It is pretty cold this morning.  It was really windy this morning.  There are not many leaves on the trees around us yet, but those birds, they were singing.  Happy. " It is MORNING! It is BEAUTIFUL and we are HAPPY!"  I noticed it.  At the same time, I was noticing the incredibly blue sky and white, fluffy clouds.  These are my very favorite skies.  I love them.  They inspire me to close my eyes and remember the way the sun looks as it illuminates the edges of the clouds.  I noticed that the sky was more blue  the higher it was from the horizon.  It was a beautiful morning after a restless, and sleepless night.

Instead of feeling like I would rather still be in bed, warm, there I was, happy to be out there.  I felt the same way the birds did.  

Move on.  Leave yesterday in the darkness that took it away.  

As I held Asher in my arms, he started patting my back.  I felt his little lips kiss my hair.  "love you, love you, love you, mommy..." I heard him whisper.  I broke down into tears.  "You are such a GOOD, GOOD boy.  I am so lucky to be your mom. Remember that always, Asher."

Some things need to be said.  Words can be a treasure to those who treasure you.

I dropped off Valerie and Asher and rushed to work.  Wow.  The sun shining through the clouds sent the most dramatic shadows onto the still non-green mountains south of Harrisonburg.  It was like light from above was being turned into shadow puppets onto the mountains for a special treat for those of us willing to see it.  I felt so connected to the earth and the rules that constain us all.  I thought, wow... even the clouds- which have no mass, have shadows.  I have a shadow.  We are real.  We are tangible.  

Sometimes I feel like I do not matter.  It is the one thing that plagues me day in and day out.  All I want.  All I have EVER wanted is to feel like I matter.

There are reasons I invest as much as I do into the things that matter to me.  As one who has never had much invested in her, I see the value of deliberate actions to show that "you are loved."  "this experiment matters,"  "this question can be answered,"  " I can do this."  I would say that if I were to describe how I show I care, it would be by the level of my investment.

Sometimes.  I realize it is not worth it anymore, and I no longer invest.   

While I look around me, and see the world as the incredible, complex, grounded-by-rules place that it is, I continue to learn.  My life philosophy becomes more and more refined as I learn and experience and grow. May that always be the case.  May I never feel "I have FIGURED IT ALL OUT."  

Uncertainty compels me to be my best self , the kind of person I wish I had in my life.

Never before, have I been so "ok" with who I am.  It is not a feeling I have much experience with in my life, but regardless, it is welcome.  This has certainly been a gift I did not expect in this life.  I am ok with who I am.  I have a lot of insecurities, but they are mine, and I learn from them daily.  Best of all though- I recognize them in others, and I help them overcome them.  That is a gift.

I will be ok.