Off To a Good Start, Indeed

One, I got to share on my forum for moms.  I cried.  I thought about things, I realized why it is that taking responsiblity for abuse is so important to me and why "sweeping it under the rug" infuriates me.  The effects of abuse are so complex and long-lasting.  Even if it happens one time ever, it can cause such devastation.  If it lasts for years, well... it is all the more likely devastation will result... so I came to think of these things and I realized that I am remarkable.  I really am.

(copied from my forum)

Oh wow, do I relate with this... and a lot of these stories, actually.

I grew up very poor, but also very, very abused. My mother was crazy. She would beat me and my brother, Jason all the time. I remember being a little girl praying "Now I lay me down to sleep... " at night and adding at the end "please help my mom not to hit me tomorrow." That actually happened (not hitting) twice ever. It is really tough to think about those times. The worst was when she got together with my step-father. He was truly evil and all of us (5) were equally likely to get beaten up by him. Even my brothers when they were babies. I pretty much was running around with 2 babies to avoid him until the three oldest of us were able to escape by being put into foster care. I was sure that the 2 youngest were going to be killed by him or my mom. I actually got quite OCD praying and chanting and fasting for their safety from age 13-16. I was anorexic, and very odd... but I thought it was the only thing I could "do" to keep them safe 1200 miles away.

So. When I was 17, I found my biological father. He wanted nothing to do with my mother when she was pregnant (at 16), so my mom left Kansas City and moved to a tiny town where she met my "dad" (alcoholic) and he raised me as his own until they parted ways multiple times, but for good when I was 7. My bio-dad was thrilled to have a pretty, cute (much more well-adjusted than the anorexic chanter I had been) smart daughter and suddenly wanted to be in my life. I was heart-broken because he was addicted to heroine and talking to him was like talking to a Bob Dylan song. Anyway. I talked to him 4-5 times ever. I met him one time ever. The night before I sent out college graduation announcements, I called to get his zip code and was told he was in the hospital. He died that night (Mother's Day 1999) and I felt (feel) awful for not trying to get to know him more, but it was really painful to even talk to him.

Anyway, I understand that. I have mended things with my mom. She is not perfect either, but she has come a long way. She left my step-father, which made a huge change and I do NOT talk to him at all.

My point in sharing this is that you can choose to not have dangerous or hurtful people a part of your life and not be a bad person. You can also judge for yourself if someone is sincere in their apology, by their actions, and truly move toward healing.

I do want to add here, I am much better than I was as a child. In fact, in some ways, I am unrecognizable... except I look the same ;-) I tell most people that I feel really sad for the little girl I was but I know that God blessed me with my daughter (who looks like my twin), so I could make good on a lot of the dreams and sadnesses I had as a little girl. Yes, I have stopped that horrible chain of abuse (my mother was abused too, and I would bet her mother as well). In fact, I am thrilled to say, all my brothers have children too and none of them are physically abusive. I have one brother who is a womanizer and his girls never know if he is back "home" with them for a day, a week, a month... It is really not good, but they are not abused.

For me, I have always, since I was a little toddler, known the love of Christ. I do not think I ever saw Him with physical eyes, but I did with my heart and my spiritual eyes. That has made all the difference to me and to my family. I daresay part of the reason my brothers are mostly ok is because I loved them (especially the youngest three) and never hurt them. I still love them and support them... A little love goes a long, long way. That is why I am on this thread.

Also, I do need to say, I wanted the best for my children (after I finally realized that abuse is a CHOICE on the part of the stronger person) and I excelled academically all my life. That is why this particular chapter of my life has been so trying. I did x, y and z to ensure a stable, secure life. So far, that has not come to pass and my daughter is almost 14. I do not want "this" to be our existence while she is my child living at home. I have told her I don't want her to get a job (she is already asking if she can to "help out") and that her job is to excel at school. Sigh. Oh, the burdens of a mother's heart.

That being said, there is a very, very, VERY sweet, even sacred spirit in this thread today. Thank you, ladies!

Then, I started on office hours, talking to a collegue, writing recommendation letters and 3 pages of things to order for the spring, when I got this:

Greetings, Crystal:

On behalf of the Center for Faculty Innovation, I’d like to congratulate you on being selected to attend the Off to a Good Start conference in Orlando, FL.  As you are aware, the conference will begin with a welcome reception on the evening of January 3, then run from 9am-5pm on January 4-5 and 9am-1pm on January 6.  The official conference link is: http://www.collab.org/Off-to-A-Good-Start.html.

In order for us to arrange for travel, hotel and registration, we will need a confirmation from you no later than Wednesday, December 1.  Should you choose not to accept this opportunity, I would also appreciate hearing from you.

That is awesome!! I applied over a month ago, but kept it quiet.  As screwed up as things are with my home and finances, things at work are going very, very well! This is super-awesome! I am going to an amazing conference where I can make some fantastic connections!  If things were different, I would add on a couple days to take my little family to the Harry Potter park, but all in all, I am SO BLESSED to have been selected for this!

And I get to stay in the same hotel as the conference all paid for by JMU.  Lucky, lucky, LUCKY me.