THIRTY-FIVE

THIRTY (Freakin') FIVE

Oh, my holy cow.  How on earth did THAT happen? I am definitely a little sad about this "milestone"  I am five years from fourty.  Wow.  How. on. earth?

I have learned, grown, and lived so much over the last year.  When I think about my last birthday and "where" I was, there is no way I would have, in a million-billion-trillion years have guessed things would turn around like they have.

I am turning into a kinder, gentler, more peaceful me. I am at peace with a lot and have learned that sometimes, it is ok to back down and that it does not mean defeat or weakness, and that it is often necessary in this life.

I am also getting tired, creaky and sore a lot more often.  I am feeling like I would expect to feel, but sometimes, I am definitely feeling older than I should.  Comes with the auto-immune territory, I suppose.

anyway...

I have a wonderful little family, and extended family.  I truly am, blessed.

I am grateful I was born at 6:15 am to my very young mother.  I know she had to be terrified being so young (she turned 17 3 weeks before), unmarried, and suddenly a momma to a completely helpless baby girl.  She could have had an abortion, or given me up for adoption, but she kept me.  What courage.  I am so grateful for my brothers and learning what it is to love another person.  I am so grateful for my daughter, she saved me.  She gave me hope and direction and has inspired me to be my best self.

I am grateful for Matt who married me- and my daughter- despite all the negatives and being advised not to at the beginning.

I am so grateful for Asher who was wanted so desperately and celebrated from the moment of conception, he came after 4 miscarriages and before 5 more.  His birth instilled fear and love all at once, and his coming home for the first time will remain one of the most-grateful moments of my entire life forever.

when the sealer told us that our future children were in the room with us, I suspected we might have more than one on this earth, but we only have one.  It is ok though, I am pretty sure that God knows I can not handle any more. 

I am grateful to Matt's parents who really have had to forgive a person (me) 7 x 70.  I am so sorry about that, and I really am trying to be like Jesus.  I really am.

I am grateful to my academic adviser at Mary Baldwin.  He saw more in me than I had ever imagined in myself and he told me to get more education.  That advise has given me purpose and provided a way to give to my family what the need.  More importantly though, is what I am able to do for my students.  I teach them science, and show them love.  Love I learned from countless others around me who owed me nothing, but taught with a gentle kindness, me to have at times, the pure love of Christ.

I am grateful to my friends who are the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  Specifically,  Laura, Denise, Bria, Rena, Kris, Sam, Susan, Emily, Tiffany, Dale- you ladies are amazing to me and I have been lifted by your words and actions over and over again.  Thank you, your light transferred to me and I will make it my life's work to pay it forward always and whenever I can.

 

Here are some posts from the last (gasp) six birthdays- when I started blogging (on MySpace).

TWENTY-NINE

Current mood:contemplative

Birthdays... Ack. I spent the best part of my life wishing my youth away--- could not wait to be 10, 16, 18, 21… now here I am 29… (well, tomorrow, August 22) What a crazy 29 years it has been, but I have learned many, many lessons that I am truly grateful to have learned. Material things never made anyone happy. For a moment, it is really cool having something you want, but it never did make anyone happy. It is said often, but one really has to realize that for themselves. It is a painful lesson- and in my case, required losing about everything, materialistically, before I realized that even so, I was ok… and that the most important things to me were intact. Faith in God- To know that I am a daughter of a father in heaven who loves me has been the hardest thing in my life to realize… which makes no sense at all… but it has been. It is much easier for me to believe at times, that I am nothing, rather than something. I have come to realize I am something though, and I am eternally grateful for that lesson. Being a good example to my daughter- this one is interesting too. It is not so incredibly hard loving your child and taking care of her. What requires a lot of effort however, is being a steadfast example and live always, the principles and foundations that I should live. I have learned a lot by trying to be a person (not just a mom) that my daughter can look up to. Just do it... do not make excuses as to why something can not be done- just do it and do not ever allow yourself to think you can not suceed. If you want it, go after it- persue it hard and strong, and chances are, yours will be the prize of hard-won victory. Do not allow yourself to ever accept less than what you are able, do not make excuses for yourself or circumstance... Just do it... Love and Companionship- Sharing my life with someone who loves me; this has been the most painful lesson of all. Living alone and realizing how much I do want to be involved with someone I love and respect and who loves me just as much has been at times, excruciating. I have said it it a lot, but it bears repeating. I keep myself pretty busy as a graduate student and mom and in the Church, but after Valerie goes to sleep at night and I am still awake, I sit and think about how much I do not want to spend my nights alone… I suppose I will just keep my eyes open, but definitely not make finding my “him” the main focus of my life. When I do that I get frustrated and annoyed and allow myself to think that I do not "deserve" to be lonely. Most often, this mindset is what causes me to cry myself to sleep and walk in the pit of dispair. Focusing on being un-single is no good...I can not do that, there is a lot I need to accomplish right now. Now to not get saddened by it. I do know that when I do find him, I will do my best to honor and sustain him- this time alone has allowed me to learn a lot about that sort of thing… I also want to mention Valerie now, she is and has been since she was born, my saving grace… Valerie is amazing. I always make a huge deal out of her birthday- I never want her to look with sadness to the day that she was born into this world. I always have big stack of presents for her to open on her birthday morning and we have cake for breakfast. Today she found some wrapping paper under my bed (along with a Victoria’s Secret Catalog she spent an hour looking through…) and she wrapped up a whole bunch of things of hers to give to me. I have a big stack to open on Monday… it makes me teary to think of the things that she purposefully selected to give to me. They are sitting here next to me on my desk. She really is the most lovely child a mom could ever want… Willful as hell, but an utter delight and joy.

The Best Birthday Ever... and Frat Boys O_o

I had the best best best birthday ever... ever... yesterday. The whole day was awesome. We woke up EARRRRLY (for the first day of third grade). My alarm on my phone went off for about .5 seconds then it rang- it was Ryan calling to say happy birthday- a day can NOT get off to much better a start than that... Then I took Valerie to McDonalds for breakfast (of which she ate a miniscule portion). We were the first ones to Mrs Buckholz's (hah hah) classroom... Valerie immeadiately liked the classroom and the teacher- she is very young. I then left- after saying hello to Jacklyn and Rebecca, drove to the lab, worked a bit, opened presents from Emily and Janelle- love the "big boobs" cup she gave me... (sigh)... then went to Newcomb hall about the activities fair... When I got there, I could hear music and as I followed the sound to the ballroom, I realized that I was hearing perhaps the most-talented piano player I have ever heard. I walked to the back of the room and sat behind him and watched him. He was obviously an undergrad (in swim trunks and a t-shirt) who happened upon the room with a playerless piano and went to work. The music was truly amazing... it was awestriking to see his hands fly up and down the piano and I realized that this was truly a blessing for me. I love, love, love music... especially piano. So... I sat and listened and was thankful for this experience on my birthday... I cried then got up and left, waving and giving a thumbs-up to the piano player as I left. He smiled and nodded... Lab meeting was good- afterward, I walked to the car and got Valerie a little early from school and met my whole entire lab (including Ray) at Milan. I LOVE Indian food. I picked a great place! So... then it was time to take Valerie to therapy... afterward we went for a hike on the Parkway in search of caterpillars and milkweed. We found milkweed after a long hike, but no caterpillars... maybe in a few days... Then, we went to Rebeccas for a good dinner (I was still full from lunch)... then we went to FHE where I got THE.BEST. surprise party. THE BEST.... my precious child lined up a person to make my favorite cake for me, told my home teacher my favorite candies and Bath and Body works scent... I got candy, cake, flowers, balloons... and well wishes. It made me cry and feel so, so, so loved.... not a single person in my family even called though... no surprise there, but still... When I got home, Brian brought Valerie and I presents... that was so so so nice and then I downloaded a huge THESIS of Jay's life, I started to read it, but kept falling asleep (not from boredom, but from exhaustion...) then I went to bed... it was an amazing, spectular, best birthday ever... Today I got to hang out at the Student Activities Fair... that was interesting, we were between black voices (which was really awesome... love Gospel music) and this boys singing group. It was interesting to see just how obnoxious young "men" can be... O_o I did get to eat Bodo's for lunch and take a sweet picture of Dave Sloan though...

In my next thirty years

I think Ill take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now its time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years Im gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things Ive done
Maybe now Ive conquered all my adolescent fears
And Ill do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years Im gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what Im doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, Im gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe Ill remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

ThirtyOne

Good- 

married

healthy child

nice home

good job (actually TWO of them) for me

good job for Matt

Matt is taking the LSAT next month, and we will be closer to having a better plan

Nice cars

Still in size 8

Lovely, new family

Sad-

2 miscarriages

lonely

size 8 is getting mighty tight

Life is good, I am so much happier with "where I am" this year than the last 30.  I am not even kidding.  Things are finally getting to a place I was hoping they would.  I am grateful.

THIRTY-TWO

What a lucky girl I am on my 32nd birthday. I got my first birthday card yesterday from my sweet, wonderful, kind, been-through-a-lot-with-me friend, Emily from Graduate school. She and I are 6 months apart- so we share half birthdays and that makes it a lot easier to remember, for certain. She told me "you have had a good year and I hope this one is even better." It really got me to thinking how right she is. My life has been absolute crazy turmoil for a while and now- despite some craziness- I am really feeling blessed.

I have an amazing husband who truly loves me and will do anything for me, a daughter who mostly likes me and does not complain when I ask her to pick up everything I drop, and I have a firm testimony of Jesus Christ. If that were all, I would be the luckiest girl in the world... but I have so much more.

I have a fairly good attitude- in fact, the only time I complain really, is on here, my journal/blog. In fact, most people would not recognize a complaining Crystal (though my frequent-readers might not recognize the "real" me! HAH)

I have an extremely and amazingly rewarding job. I love my students, I love the subject matter, and I LOVE that I get to shape future life-decisions of the next adult generation.

I am able to accomplish much if I set my mind to it. I am so grateful for this! And I do not get stressed by having lots going on at work (I do stress about child care, but my children are precious and I want them loved).

I am pregnant with a baby who cracks me up already with his flailing movements that are clearly visible from outside my shirt and who snuggles in for a nap when daddy comes home. He is truly going to be such a joy to everyone when he is born.

My cats (despite destroying my material possessions) love me.

My friends are the best in the world.

My brothers are safe, as are Matt's parents and siblings.

My mom and I talk affectionately daily.

I live in PARADISE. I am so lucky there.

I am going to be able to start breathing about bills soon, soon, soon... yay for employment and tithing.

There are so many more, but I do not want to sound trite.

What I do want you all to know is I am happy to be alive, well, living the best way I can (for the most part) and that I have a husband, daughter and family for all eternity. How lucky is that?!

Posted by Crystal at 12:00 AM

thirty-three.


We went to Tyson's Corner Macys for Mac Makeovers. I don't care what anyone else thinks, MAC makeup is AWESOME and makes me look so much better than any other makeup and definitely better than no makeup at all.

Bria, Tiffany, Valerie and I all got makeup and Asher just kept staring at me with my purple and pink eyeshadow, then he smiled, so that was totally cute.

The funny thing was I had on primer, concealer, foundation, moisurizer and powder- then eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, lips...

Bria had on eyeshadow and eyeliner and looked totally like a model. She has the most perfect, flawless skin.

It was such a fun outing.

we had my favorite for dinner- California Pizza Kitchen (I am a huge fan of the Thai salad) and I got to spend time alone with Matt (which never happens) because Asher fell asleep and Valerie rode with Tiffany and Bria. That was nice too. It feels like in the craziness that is our life, husband/wife time is not only the last priority, but it is all but forgotten. It was nice to start out this new year of life surrounded by friends and my family, but also have time alone with Matt. He is a great husband and father.

As we were leaving the mall, I told him I was glad I was born because I got to meet him. It is true. Matt is the best kind of person... now if economic (professional) luck catches up with us, life will just be great. I admit to a lot of frustration, and even anger over this last year. Things that have (and are) happening just do not make sense to me. I went to school for all these years to prevent feeling like I am in such a precarious position, but I have learned that while of the utmost importance, education and intelligence are NOT a guarantee of the easy life. I am sure there is more I will realize with this situation in the future (and I will not fully understand it until we have moved on from it), but I am beginning to see that I have learned some lessons from this.

Anyway. I start teaching my massive semester tomorrow. Excitement, anxiousness and apprehension abound ;-)

So glad life is so much more settled and not quite as many unanswered questions as it was when I was twenty-nine.

THIRTY-FOUR

Well, I do this every birthday eve- I think about "where I am" and how it fits in with my plans, the choices I made, etc. This is the third year in a row that my birthday eve has been fairly sad. The crazy thing is that 28, 29, 30 and 31 were all such good GOOD birthday-eves. Now I am here for the third year in a row just wondering. What... the ... heck. In some ways, things are blessedly amazing. Valerie, Asher, my job and even Matt as a person. Those are all amazing, good things.

What is scary (still) is finances, juggling allllll the responsibilities in my life, and the anxiety that sets in any time I want to try to set goals or make plans. Now, in some ways, it is humorous, but one week (to the day) we made a family goal to save and work toward a vacation to the Harry Potter park in Universal Studios, Matt lost his job.

3 days after that, I had ANOTHER miscarriage.

Just thing after thing... it is wearysome and burdening. I feel like having desires sets me up for disappointment. How sad is that? I used to set goals, make plans and then work for them and enjoy them. No longer, my friends.

Today I was contacted by a friend who I met through an interesting source and he told me that when he asked about me, he got the "definite" feel that the interesting source hates me. Just as I suspected. I will say this, the people who dislike me the most are very few in number and don't know the entire situation. Moving on.

Anyway. I do have some good things. I am so grateful for my understanding of the Gospel and the Savior. I know that the atonement can allow us to heal from real hurt and agony. I have experienced it. I have never once wavered in my knowledge of this. Ever.

I do differ in opinion about some things that are choice -v- out of our hands (depression, anxiety... I do not think those are choices). I choose to keep going, do my best, not give up DESPITE those feelings I may have. That is a choice in circumstances I can not control. I will continue to do that and to do my best where ever I am. I take great pleasure in doing what I do well. It is important to me.

I have realized that all I want in this life is sisters. I watched an old Big Love and thought... see... I want that closeness. It is how I feel when I watched the Kardashians with my mom... It is how I feel when I have lunch with collegues at work. All I wanted was the support and love of sisters. I realize these relationships of love and sharing are so important. I also realize that making them and HAVING them is on my list of things to do for me.

So is getting back to an attractive, non-overweight size. I am actually on my way. It is nice to say most of my clothes, that were SO TIGHT are loose enough to pull on and off without unbuttoning. What a relief. I will continue this and actually have a PLAN for fitness that I will implement at work in down time. I did this at UVa too. It was a little easier having the AFC gym 100 steps away, but still... I can do this. It is important to me too.

I will praise my children at least 3 times a day and blog something great about both of them every day.

Today, Asher was so funny at the BBQ near us held at a church member's home. He was FULL-SPEED ahead the entire time. He simply does NOT sit still. He RUNS every where all the time. His cheeks were red, his hair, wet with sweat, but he still kept running. He is so different from any child I have EVER met. There are 5 or 6 kids about the same age at church and combined, they do not have the energy-level and wildness that he does. It is UNREAL. He is super sweet though, with his damp curls, red cheeks and blue eyes. He kept reaching up for Olesyia and she (tiny girl) would pick him up, then he'd want down... over and over and over. It was insane. He LOVES her and she loves him too. She liked the attention and I assured her it was because he sees how much of an angel she is. I am not kidding, I see it so clearly in her.

Valerie was cracking up all day about various things. She has a GREAT sense of humor. She started laughing when we drove past a junk yard saying, last time we drove by, I was with Alexis and I picked out cars for her!! She laughs and laughs when Asher screeches "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!" in his girly screech. She helps him to laugh when he is mad and get over what ever is causing his distress. She is also very protective over him. I love that. She ALSO is thrilled about school and in her typically funny humor, she said "This year I am going to try REALLY HARD! for 2 days" She ALSO has my talent for remembering her way. She remembers how to get places by images of the scenery in her head. I do that same thing! It is a blessing.
Asher does this too. We drive by my work building (which looks like EVERY other JMU main-campus building) and in front of my building only, Asher says... "BEEP!" because that is where the elevator and all its buttons are... My kids are brilliant. That is for sure. I am grateful they also are FUNNY and can be re-directed.

:-)

I am blessed, it is true. Now, to get a relaxing time to just relax and not stress.