On Gratitude

I am in a strange place, emotionally these days.  Matt has been unemployed since February, Valerie moved in with her dad in April, I worked 4 jobs this summer, and I am as busy as I could possibly be right now.   I feel like I am working awfully hard to be barely getting by.  That is not a good place to be for a prolonged amount of time.

There are many things that keep me from sleeping at night.  Sometimes, I get so anxious, there is a real feeling of weight on my chest, that turns into stomach sadness, and migrane headaches.  I keep asking God why? WHY? WHYYY?? and I will be honest, I have not gotten a single answer.  I suppose the lack of understanding on my part, combined with the anxiety of how we are going to survive over and over again and then... for what really does appear to be my entire life falling apart no matter what I do, I have fallen into a depression.

I am predisposed for such.  There is quite a history of it in my family.  I am getting better at recognizing it for what it is though, that has really taken some time), and trying to pull myself out of it.  I plan to start therapy soon- well, when I am not so incredibly busy- hopefully, next semester.

In the mean time, I am trying really hard to focus on things to be grateful for.

Family is always number one.  Though she is not living with me, and I only get to see her about once a month, my daughter is so precious to me.  That will never change.  She is the reason I rocked it in college, and chose to continue on in graduate school.  She is the reason I stayed in school, and worked multiple jobs all these years.  I feel like she deserves the best, and I will do all I can to provide that to her.  I hope one day, she really is able to look at her first 15 years and see what I was working for.

Matt is a good dad to Asher and he takes good care of him.

Asher is precious and kind.  He is sweet and not mean-spirited.  He is extremely curious and bright.  His intelligence and memory blow me away.  When he did not speak at all, until he was two, I was preparing myself for a boy with some struggles, but he is so smart, so inquisitive, and so intuitive.  I think he is going to be so incredibly gifted.  It will be a pleasure to watch him grow and learn.

I am grateful for my brothers, and the lessons they have taught me in learning to care and love and sacrifice.  Having them growing up taught me the most important thing anyone can give to anyone else is love and acceptance.  Nothing else compares in the slightest.

I am grateful for Jennifer and Taylor and all my nieces/nephews.  I don't really ever get to see anyone but Taylor, but when I do see them, I am enamored and in adoration with the precious little people that they are.

I have the best friends- some of them, more like family- that a girl could ask for.  Truly, in the area of angels in my life, I am completely and overwhelmingly blessed beyond measure.  What I lack in family support, my cup runneth over in friend support.  How utterly amazing is that?

I am also grateful for my evolving spirituality.  It may be heart-breaking and frustrating at times, but I have a really good "gut feeling" that I know is a gift to me.  As I have been writing lately, my life story, I am impressed again and again that I am so blessed.

To pull myself out of the fog, I have been trying to focus on things I am truly grateful for, and that includes my job.  I absolutely am blown away when I consider how lucky I am.

I also have been searching out 5 beautiful sites every day.  That has been a really good skill I discovered when I was a brand-new single mother.  If you are constantly looking for beauty, the world becomes so much more full of wonder.

In November, I hope to share with you, things that I find inspiring and uplifting.

This first day has focused on my amazing little family, and the people in it that build me up.