Living Authentically, Part II

I have been relatively quiet about why I left the church, there is reason for that.  When I do share, people tend to shame me, or make emotional statements that are supposed to stonewall me- but in no way address the issues that have caused my disaffection.  This all started when things were not going "as they should have" and that I felt a lot of pressure to not complain- really, to just shut up about a lot of things that troubled me.  In addition, I have never felt cared about or important in my ward.  This might be the only time I have ever felt so unimportant in a church, and that made me truly and terribly sad.  A lot.  I did what I "should" have, and did a lot of things for other people in the ward, but still, never felt important.  Compiled with my family situation, this just became too much.  I don't really have a family-family, I need a church-family.  The other thing that happened was conversations about me, but not to me.  That was very apparent when visiting family recently.  The seven year old boy asked me no less than 5 times "why don't you go to church?"  I was very vague, and I really wish his parents had asked me (and were open to listening), but clearly, we have been a subject of conversation.  The thing that is ironic of course, is that all of 2012, I WAS going to church.  I just posted occassionally articles that addressed- or brought to light- a concern.

As I started my questioning,  first started to ask my husband, and others, but they were so dismissive of my questions (in ways stated above), I then sought to learn about various subjects, the very way I learned about the church in 2004.  I took to the internet.  It was there that I learned so much more than I had ever been taught about the history.  For instance, I had no idea that Joseph Smith was taken into custody at Carthage for destroying a printing press.  The story about why he destroyed the printing press blew me away.

http://mormonstories.org/324-326-grant-palmer-returns-to-discuss-sexual-allegations-against-joseph-smith-william-and-jane-law-and-his-resignation/

It led me to read a book that I should have read before.  It was once sold at Deseret Book, and people like me, read it and were like "hold the phone.  wait. what??"

That book is this one, and it is wild.  It is written by a long-time CES teacher.  He recently left the church (and he is kind of old), as he was so heartbroken, and tired of being bullied by leadership about his factual book.
Then I remembered all the issues I had with "Rough Stone Rolling" and I listened to the Tom Philips interview about the second anointing, and his experience leaving the church.

http://mormonisminvestigated.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/tomphillips-unedited-ms.mp3

Tom's interview left me crying and I was sad for a couple days.

In the course of this, I became very good friends with several very influential people: Mitch Mayne, John Dehlin, Judith Dushku, Margaret Blair Young- all of whom have conversed with me.  Mitch and John being two of the most familiar with me and my story.

I was asked by both to stay on the pews, change the church from the inside.  Their stories (and they know more than I about persecution, troubling history, etc) compelled me.  I cried and cried listening to John's "why I stay " talk and decided then and there, to say over the summer.

http://mormonstories.org/john-dehlin-why-i-stay/

I contacted him, and he offered me encouragement and comfort.

The same is true about Carol Lynn Pearson and Mitch Mayne.  The Book of Mormon Girl promised me that there was room for me, and I decided to stay.  I delivered Relief Society lessons that got me hugs, phone calls, and emails.  I loved with all my heart, and tried with all my might.  Then "PANTS" happened right after an ugly, ugly election season where a LOT of mormons were saying a lot of nasty things.  My favorites were the people who lived on welfare for YEARS while "in school" (read: male in school, female deliberately unemployed, and not looking for a job) talking about people on welfare wanting hand-outs.  Ohhh... still burns me up. 


After the vitriol and hatred from so many people in the church, I realized I could not stay any longer.  The church has a very mean side- that is a side where personal attacks are allowed- if not encouraged.  A week after pants, I was asked by my nephew many times within an afternoon/evening "why don't you go to church?" (when I WAS!) and realized that he had heard these things from people who had never once listened to my heart-rending faith trials.  I was out.  I decided that on during that trip, December 21, 2012 that my last Sunday in church would be the next day.  From the mouth of babes, I was compelled.  I need the community I was promised, and the assurance that I would not be blamed for an evil history I had no part in creating.

I speak only for myself here.  I may go back from time -to-time, but I do not not want Asher to go.  I feel like the primary program does some things I consider brain-washing "Asher's topic for his talk is, 'I choose to do the right when I am baptized by one of the priesthood authority'" (he was three!) and to the three year olds, "How does the Plan of Salvation make you happy?"  (they have no idea, but now they know what the adults expect them to say- some parents even whisper it into their childrens' ears).

This is what I thought I was getting into, and I have not seen much of it.  I feel mostly tossed into the ocean, trying to keep my head above the water, while no one in the yacht beside me even acknowledges me. 

Mosiah 18: 21 And he commanded them that there should be no ^acontentionone with another, but that they should look forward with ^boneeye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts ^cknit together in unity and in love one towards another.

I beg any mormon to listen to this and feel free to follow the advise offered to you from a fully-active LDS priesthood holder:



I close in saying, I understand why people are drawn to the church, and how, if their life is the type that does not include much extreme crisis and hardship, it is a great deal.  As for me, all my questioning began after Matt lost his third job, and I started to feel like everything I had done to ensure my life would be a certain way, was all for naught.  While I have learned so much about life, love, and what matters, I have also had to learn some devastating things (about anxiety, abuse, control, heartbreak, dying dreams, etc) that have led me to a place of compassion, love, and kindness in a way I did not understand before this. I can honestly say, I am truly and really better for it.


I am happy to accept your choices, and I will try my best to not label you because of them please, please try to offer me the same kindness.