I tried really hard for a really long time to just be loved and accepted by my mom. I never have accomplished that. Now, at 37, I am very sure that I will never achieve that goal. I have certainly tried. I have given so much in terms of time, effort, money, emotion... Never has it been enough.
I realized in February, that it is a lost cause. That was a hard realization. I don't really want to write about the decision to stop trying with her any more. It has taken 1 hour just to write this far. So many thoughts...
It is ok though. Sometimes, you have do just move forward after your efforts are just not enough.
Now to repair... and allow myself to be fixed as much as one can be after such...
I gave her a lot of slack. As a little girl, I would always justify it in my mind.
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| I have never had this in my life |
I would think... "she just doesn't understand how much she hurts me when she..." I excused her all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.
Then... I had my own daughter.
There is NOTHING I would not do for her health, her safety, for her to know at all times that her mother LOVES- and **ALWAYS HAS** loved her, fought for her, sacrificed for her. When I had Valerie, my understanding of my own mother became very harsh. I admit it. I could not understand anything she did, when it came to me and my four brothers.
I tried again when I joined the mormons, but realized that in order to be her friend, I had to totally pretend my entire childhood did not exist, and that... is damaging... my childhood MADE me who I am.
Being a mom is something I love. It gives me inspiration and motivation every day. I love seeing my children live and experience and smile. I love seeing them work toward goals.
On Mother's Day weekend, I would like to say about being a mother:
My children are precious to me. Everything I do, and every thing I am is framed in perspective of them. They are my life's work. They are so loved. To me, mother means doing what is best for your children even if it means less for yourself. It means loving completely. Yes, it also means you will be hurt from time to time. Sometimes, deeply.
It means living in a way that they can meet their full potential. It means doing hard things. It means loving UNCONDITIONALLY- no matter what they believe, how they treat me, or if they agree with me. It means advocating for them. It means learning their subtleties, so I know when something is wrong. It means stopping EVERYTHING once in a while to listen, to celebrate, to be silly, to learn, to LOVE.
Bigger than all the things involved is that I am SO GLAD about being their mother.
It means being grateful about loving them, supporting them, and letting them know at all times, mom has their back and will do ANYTHING she can to help them if they need it all their lives long. It means making sure they know that I love them.
I do not believe in "teaching them a lesson" (the world has a way of doing that).
I do not believe in withholding affection.
I do not believe that watching them struggle while I live large will ever be something I do. Ever. It is evil to do such. Crap happens, to not help when my children need it because of some point I want to make? It will not happen. Ever.
I have learned a lot from my mother and mothers around me to define what a good mom means to me. Lots for good, lots for bad. I am so far from perfect- especially on Thursday nights after a long week at work, but I love my children.
They are a joy and such a good representation of what I hope to give to the world.
What I have put into these two human beings is LOVE. In the end, that is ALL that matters.
1 comment:
I hear you loud & clear! Mother's Day is soooo hard for me too.
TW: abuse, mental health
My mother wasn't a good mother to me. I realize that part of that was because she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder, but even once it was diagnosed [and there was medication that was working]. She'd stop taking her meds cold turkey, knowing that it would spin her into a mania. She was also narcissistic, and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I never felt good enough [to her]. I can still hear her insults in my head. I'm not sure if they will ever stop.
What sucks is I feel guilty for having to have healthy boundaries to keep myself and my family safe and healthy from her because of the baggage that I picked up after joining Mormonism that instilled family should be together [without qualifiers in consideration.]
She wasn't a mom to me, it was more like I was her parent. I had to call her out for her ill behaviors. No daughter should ever have to do that for her parent... at least not to the degree that I did. And certainly no child be abused in the terrible manner I was.
So no, not all mothers are qualified to be celebrated, but those who love and treasure their children and build them up instead of tearing them down. Those are the ones worth celebrating. :)
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