TGIF

I am SO GRATEFUL for FRIDAY.  I was really dragging when my alarm went off this morning.  I was like, "NO! SAY IT AIN'T SO!" and I meant it.  It was all good when I went to work though.  I was so happy talking to a collegue about her class.  She was sooooo happy to be teaching and that her class was so well-receiving of her.  That still makes me smile.  Yay for loving your job.

Which I do, by the way!  I am so grateful- to the point of tears for my job, my son, my daughter, my Matt.  I feel often such a sad heart as I feel like so many of the things that trouble me and burden me go unspoken, but often thought about.  I realized yesterday though, God loves me.  I have this strange physical feeling of love just when I need it.  Sometimes, it is a whisper, or a sight, or a voice or a hug.  Sometimes it is just the realization "I love you."  He knows my heart and one has suffered much more than I or anyone else and He is my favorite example.

I just have this intense desire to feel wanted and part of something bigger.  Maybe that is why I teach too, in some sense.  When I am in the midst of my students, I am definitely wanted, needed even- even if it is only for 50 minutes or 3 hours at a time in my classroom.

I have felt a lot of sadness leaving Asher so much.  It just kills me, but I am very glad that he is with Matt.  That is interesting too though.  If he falls and gets hurt, guess who he wants.  Not me.  Daaa-eeee.  That kind of stings to, I admit that.  Anyway, I was sooooo soooooooo touched by this blog I found today via NieNie that I had to close my door at lunch and sob.  For the loss of the little girl, for my son who does not see his mom much, for a daughter who feels the tears I cry so deeply, for a husband who struggles with much... and for me.  I feel so overwhelmed by so many things telling me (almost audibly) that family is most important.  Above all else.  The irony here, is painful.  I can tell you this.  Since the middle of July, I have felt in many ways my first experience with true loathing toward me.  It has left me feeling lonely and hated and I do not understand why.  Reading about Presslee made me cry for her mom and dad- who were out on a date night when she fell in the water.  It made me cry and cry for the sadness in my heart.  For the awful feelings I feel...

Anyway.  It is a melancholy and infinite sadness that I feel today.  Grateful to be off work, grateful to have a job, but utterly lonely in my heart.  I was supposed to go to the Dr today for a pregnancy test.  No need as of last night.  It is verging on ridiculous at this point.  I am going next friday to get labs run.  Something's up.  I have insurance now too.

Anyway, I was so happy to see my little family when I got home.  

She smiles! She said her day was "great" and it had nothing to do with a boy, so she says

To make it even better, Valerie got a package filled with zebra-print things from our amazing friend, Janelle.  She sells underware ;-) and found some special things for my girl.  That did my heart much good.

Valerie called Janelle to thank her, then her grandpa who was in the hospital for kidney failure.  So scary- he had a transplant about 10 years ago.

Asher was kissing the handsome boy in the mirror as Valerie opened her present

Then, Alexis and Korena came and got Valerie for a weekend of swimming, movies and fun.  My daughter is so blessed.  I realize my prayers for her to have good experience are often answered through the goodness of others. 

In fact, Valerie is going on her school trip to Florida thanks to some amazing people who love Valerie and want her to have the opportunity of learning animal conservation and having a lot of fun.

Matt and Asher coming in from an afternoon of "let's play in mommy's car"