Time to begin again

How on earth did it get to be 2012?


Last night, Matt and I put away all our Christmas decorations.  I always feel so sad by this event, as most of these things have been with me all Valerie's life.  She was not here to pack away this year, and as I took down her three "Baby's first Christmas" ornaments (all bought after her first Christmas, on deep discount, we didn't even have a tree that year), then her babys 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th Christmas ornaments, the Barbie ornmanents, the ornaments she made for me, the twirling girls I used as cake toppers, I shed a few tears.  I had this thought that she might not want to be here after this summer.  Valerie is moving in with her dad for the summer.  Chances are, I will be seeing her every other weekend, and I will be paying my ex child support.  August 1st, we will decide where she will be going to school.  In the end, I want what is best for Valerie.  It's just that for the last 15 years, I felt, for all the world, like the best for Valerie, was me.  Maybe not.  That hurts.  Anyway, it was such a mournful feeling packing away those ornaments this year.  They will always be on my tree, but I want her to be here, living with us.

Valerie and I in 2006,  i was a single mother, full-time graduate student, moonlighting as a biology adjunct- doing my best to give her everything I could

Today, we went to church and stuck it out all three meetings despite a very upset Asher. I kept thinking... Let's start 2012 out "right."  "Right" in my mind means going to church on Sunday and sticking it out.


  Asher is not ready for primary and he was quite traumatized.  I have decided, "his" version of moving to primary is going to have to be slower and kinder- 10-15 minutes a week, until he is ok with it.  This is not an experience I am going to enforce on him because he is three and it is a new year.  Like potty training, he is just not ready right now.

Church was good today, and I feel like I get a bit of the spiritual centering I need in church.

This week, I go back to work every day to prepare for Spring 2012.  That means I just got one week off- and even then, I went in two days (well one day, then 4 hours Tuesday night).  I feel kinda tired to be gearing up, but as always, it will be fine.

I am making goals for myself for 2012.

Listen more, really listen and offer love and encouragement, instead of criticism

Determine to have a better idea of how I can spend my time off work and make time to exercise- even if I have to pay someone to watch Asher

Learn more about God.  I don't actually know Him well- I know Jesus, but God... I just don't know Him well.  I would like to.  I fear my earthly experience with men has led me to not trust God.  I keep Him at arms-length and blame him for a lot (ok, ALL) of the heartache I have had in this life.  I am told He loves me, I would like to know that, for myself.

I have to figure out a way to get a car to replace mine.  Mine is unsafe, and I often feel like I might wreck that car and its interesting axle crunching is so unsettling.

2012, I see myself cooking and baking delicious things.  I want to really start a photography business.  I am working on my shots, and they are getting better, now to learn how to make them look exactly the way I want them.

I feel a photography business would allow me a creative outlet I seek, it would bring in money to help me buy a car and we would not be cutting it soclose every pay period.  All those student loans added up and they are not pretty to pay back.

Mostly, I want my family to know that on this earth, they are my first priority.  I want others to see my example as encouraging and kind- like that of my Savior, and I want to come back on Jan 1, 2013, with excellent life-lessons stories, peace, joy, contentment, and a stronger sense of who I am, having really LIVED a full 2012.