In this life, I was loved by you

About a year ago, my ex-husband brought over my books and my cedar hope chest from my ex-house. When I left that house, I took my daughter, my dog, and that is about it. I got valerie's things, and about 1/10 of my clothes eventually, but everything else, I just left there. I went there about 5 years after I left with Valerie and my things were still handing in the closet. Anyway. He brought over my cedar chest. In it, were things from my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. I never really looked through it in the last year, but I have thought about it. Then, I decided to look for the (two) letters from my biological father. I thought they would probably be in the cedar chest. The most poignant things in my life so far, have been completely unplanned. Happenstance. This was one of those nights.

I found text books, notebooks, folders and folders of work.  I am so glad I kept those.  My, how my writing has improved.  I thought, "I should show these to Valerie.  These would encourage her, because I SUCKED at writing!"  I did too.  Dr Southerington was much to kind with his commentary on my work.

Toward the bottom, I found the tiny box we got from Lane as High School seniors.  I know was was in there, though that box had not been opened in 18 good years.

High school boyfriend notes.  I looked though a couple of them, and laughed.  We were funny.

I kept looking though.  In the shoe box, I found more letters.  This were much fun to read as well.  My best friend, Meredith was such a good friend.  I found letters, postcards, and little notes from her.  I found notes from Holly and Megan too.  Then there were the luv letters.  Oh, the fun of being a young woman.

Those letters are so funny to look at.

I need to give the ones from Valerie's dad to her, but I will hang on to them for now.

Then.  The tone changed.  At the bottom, letters from Grandma Scott, and Grandpa Hart.

Grandma Scott wrote me that she was so excited I was in college and to NOT get married.  She did not know I already was married.  I kept that pretty quiet.  She always sent photos of my cousins.  Cari is in the photo below.

Then there were the letters from my grandfather.  I just wrote about him.  He died 6 years ago.  When he died, I was so numb, I could not cry, just feel agony and such sadness.  When I read those letters from him, I finally was able to mourn, and mourn I have.  I have cried and cried and cried.  Some of the things he told me still brings tears to my eyes.

I am so glad that I kept these letters as evidence.  I was loved.  Sometimes, I feel so.  SO. lonely and like no one cares.  I know that is not true, of course, when I analyze it.  When I looked through these things, however, it was undeniable.  I miss my Grandfather.  I miss his wisdom.  I wonder what he would tell me I should do.  I wonder what he would say.  I wonder- would he be proud of me?  Would we talk about V8s and the benefits of fuel injection? What would he think of the nano particles precipitating in the lab I monitor?  I miss him so much.

One thing that makes me absolutely weep are these words, "  I was one sad person when I left you.  I cried part of the way home because I know you will be gone for a long period of time... it was especially hard to say goodbye to you because I know the way that you have been treated here..." I had no recollection at all of those words before last Saturday night.  I cried and cried and found myself in a fitful sleep that night.


I cried for Grandpa's life and his death and for having been unable to cry before.  I cried because I can not find the only 2 letters I had from my father.  I wanted to see his careful handwriting and the one photograph I had of him.  Lost, I suppose they are.  I cried for loss too.  I cried a lot for loss.

Facebook will never be what my cedar chest is.  Please.  Write to me.  Letters in envelopes, written in ink.  I will respond likewise.  These little memories are precious.