Holding hands

Things have been moving at such a pace, there is no time to process. Now, however, I sit in a waiting room, with Janessa recovering from three surgical procedures, so I have time to write. The interesting thing is the overwhelming desire to write during all this.

Incredible impressions first.  We (Valerie, Asher and I) arrived early in The afternoon yesterday (Thursday) at the hospital. I visited with Pam for an hour, then Pam took me back to see Janessa. I asked if it was ok To touch her and talk to her.  Pam said it was. She left us alone for an hour. I sat next to her, and held her right hand. I felt a heartbeat. I'm not sure if it was hers or mine, but it was where our hands met.  There was a Physical feeling of connectedness. Almost electric, sort of like the feeling you get if you hit your funny bone. It was love.   Janessa's eyes were closed. I cried and cried. I sang her a song quietly, and spoke to her. Tears were all over my face, so I stepped away to wipe my eyes, and change my gloves.   I moved to her other side, and the same electric feeling came over me, and I felt tears rushing down again as I spoke to her. I then felt as to pray. I prayed for her healing and for peace. For her to feel the love of so many, to know I was there, I felt like I was floating, but as soon as I became cognizant of that feeling, I was grounded, the feeling was gone. I'm not sure what that was. It's confusing, for sure.


I sat with Janessa, then came out to my children.

We had a dinner at Wendy's, then I spent two hours with Asher at the pool. I had hoped it would have him going to sleep early, but...

Pam asked me if I could come to the hospital at 7, so I was up, showered, and out the door 20 minutes till. At 8, Pam and I went back to Janessa. As I was gowning up, I saw her move her foot. Then her right hand, so I went in. She opened her eyes. I sat in front of her, and said, "Janessa, it's crystal, I'm here." Her shoulders started shaking. Pam said, "she's crying." Of course the flood gates opened for me too. I sat with her for three hours. I spoke to her, I told her stories, I told her how much like her Taylor looks, I told her about the sunsets being so orange, and I told her I love her and am cheering her on. She was looking into my eyes as tears fell and fell. I smiled, and she squeezed my hand. I told her her dad was coming, and so is josh. I held her hand, then massaged her calf, she was moving it a lot, like she was uncomfortable. She fell asleep, and I stood, holding her hand.

When the surgery team came in, I told her what was going to happen, and that it meant the ventilator was coming out, and she'd be more comfortable. The nurse promised to take good care of her- and now we wait.