On the mothering front, I know for sure that things are good there- better than they have been in a while. Asher and I have always been very, very close. I get him, he gets me. Asher is greatly loved by both Valerie and I and I can honestly say, he brings us so much happiness and joy. He is so smart, so funny, so sweet. He keeps us grounded. He makes us want to be better.
We are sort of similar in ways that I understand. However, it has been a roller coaster with Valerie all her life, but until adolescence, I was so important to Valerie. It has been really hard on me to feel like she hasn't really wanted to have me close! I kept reminding myself of her age though. Somehow, I have had a mostly good opinion about our mother/daughter relationship, admittedly with some major bumps on the way.
I am getting better at communicating in a way that does not upset her now though. I have asked questions of her therapist and MD about how to better talk with her and build her up. I will say, I am not sure why I never asked those questions before, but I didn't. I am glad I did, and I know for sure that something is changing. Valerie wants me to sit with her, she wants me to climb on her bed with her to talk at night, and she asks if she can go places with me. It has not been "like this" since she was 13. I have really, really missed the love being so visible between the two of us.
As for me, I have been a mess for the last week with Janessa so sick, that is for sure, but... I am doing ok. I am better than I have been in so long. I am still waking up at about 2 am for a couple hours a night, momentarily anxious about sleeping alone, but I can talk myself down from the anxiety now. I can recognize it for what it is, put a name to it, and know that the reasons are real, but that I am ok.
At work, things are excellent. I am working with probably the best professor I have ever worked with. I am not sure she wants to star in my blog, but regardless. I have learned so much. I am inspired every day. I am ***SO DAMNED LUCKY*** she and I work so closely together every day. It is just incredible.
I also have a fantastic work-study student. I "got" him about 2 days before the semester started, and truly, he has been just a life saver. He works hard, well, and he is just so hilarious. What a ray of light he has been. The excellent coincidence, of course, is that I had him in his very first biotech class 5 years ago as a freshman. He came back after graduation to take some courses that will make him more competitive. That he is working with me is just incredible. One thing for sure is the amazing strides he has made since he was a freshman. He is exactly the sort of story you hope to tell as a professor.
I also have an ex-mormon who came here for grad school who comes to my lab a couple times a week. Talking to her is so excellent. I have had no one to talk to in real life about the struggles of being a strong woman who has left the church, and all the baggage of being mormon. She is truly fantastic and so much wiser than her years. I am really glad her mom sought me out on the internet and asked me to look out for her. We watch out for each other.
Finally, I am taking really good care of myself. I am eating 3 times a day (I was eating 1 time a day for the last 4 years), and I am eating well, exercising, etc. I look better, for sure, but I feel so, so much better. I have more energy, more optimism, and more hope. I will need to get new clothes soon. My shirts especially look ridiculous and gown-like. I love that I have defined hip bones again. I have missed them. I still have my c-section belly, but I had that when I was size 4/6 after Valerie was born and that incision was half the size of what I had to get when Asher was born. It might very well never go away. That makes me saddy. Oh well. I earned that c-section belly. Those stripes, I earned.
I am also seeing a therapist. I love therapy. I miss Heather, but it is such an ordeal to leave work, get all open, then go back to work... plus there is all the back story and history that is not terribly fun to recount. Anyway, I have only had one session, but I already know that this will be good. We each have a goal and this therapist told me she was really glad she "gets to be" my therapist. That is a good sign I think. I hope! hahhahah!
She told me that I have been a rescuer all my life, and while I identified with that absolutely, when I read this, I was just like... wow. Yes.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
Anyway, I am doing ok with hopes of continuing to do such. I would like to go somewhere warm and beautiful, or just beautiful, or just warm... in the next couple months. That is a short-term goal for now. In the meantime, I am doing ok. I will be alright. This poem resonates. Thank goodness, I am at the point where I can say, I am in act two. Act one sort of sucked. A lot.
Drama in two acts
I dim
I have no doubt
If someone blew–
I would go out.
I must be brighter
Than I thought.
- CLP
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