I had a really terrible day spiritually-speaking, yesterday. All in all, I was just not feeling it.
There are lots of reasons, but then, I had a tender mercy given to me that I feel I should share.
As I was sitting alone, isolated in Gospel Doctrine, we were talking about Isaiah. I never understand why people have such an issue with those chapters. I have always liked them, for a while though, I would be like "ick, Isaiah" and skip it because that was the popular notion, but then I realized, "actually, I get it. Why not embrace it?" So that is what I have done.
This scripture has always been an interesting one for me...
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands (Isaiah 49:16)
I always knew it was a comfort to those who stood in need, but I did not understand the metaphor until yesterday. Possibly because I am in so much agony right now. I feel like all my hopes and dreams and efforts to have the kind of life I have worked hard for- and for my children to have is just crumbling before my face. I feel like everyone who I have let matter to me- whose opinions and strengths I have sought are deciding to believe that I am an unrealistic person with unrealistic expectations. That is directly opposed to those who HAVE known me for all my 34 years- or the last 15- and seen me struggle, plan, set goals and reach them bit-by-bit. Those people are angry on my behalf, teary eyed for my broken heart and sad that a person can work so hard, try so hard, be a "good" person and still have no better a life circumstance for it all. It has left me feeling conflicted. Alone. Like I do not matter and I have no one to talk to.
I dont want people to excuse "mistake" after "mistake" or "accident" after "accident" or even to agree with everything I say (I know I am not absolutely correct). I want a friend, a support team, the kind of people that a covenant people is supposed to be to bear me up and surround me in comfort. Not point and laugh when I turn the corner because my effing life is so messed up, then stand in judgement about what I have done to "deserve" it. That mentality infuriates me. Since when does God work like that? The whole "I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it" is untrue! It is not a scripture, but it is attributed to Christ. What a bizzare thing to have discovered!
Anyway. As I sat in all my lonliness contemplating, yet again, another major crisis that is a direct threat to me and my family, the teacher mentioned:
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands
And I had a vision. God, all in white and light and brightness, holding me (as a baby) in the palms of his hands, staring at me. Into my face, knowing who I was and loving me despite my weaknesses. I suppose that vision is from where I will gather my strength... though goodness knows it would be easier to bear with physical people to help, but despite all that, I have personal witness that I have been graven upon His hands and that makes a huge difference to me.
8 comments:
I read your post on another blog today and wanted to reply to you. I was sad to hear of your struggles and lack of support. I am at a loss as to why everyone comes unglued at a women trying to find out, by talking to others, what she should do in any given circumstance. If you can't talk to someone about the events that are causing strife, how on earth can you come to a reasonable conclusion? We all have to reality test our opinions and feelings. That is not bad mouthing another. I just wanted you to know that some of us have been there and hope and pray that you can figure it all out. We are on your side. I love that you were given a vision of Gods love. It is real. No one else really matters. Now, for the rest of your life you will have that to comfort you, to use as a litmus test for all else that happens. God loves you, personally, and he will always be there. You are of infinite worth because you are His. That is what I take from Isaiah, which, by the way, I love also. PS. IdahoG-ma here.
That is the religious God I struggle with. Why on earth would he make things difficult just to "test" us? Do we as loving, imperfect parents do that to our children, and then tell them if they fail they can't come back? I believe in a God who lives to do nothing but bless and love his children. I believe in a God who saves all his children regardless of sin. My God is full of love and grace.
Palms 145:9 says:
The LORD [is] good to all: and his tender mercies [are] over all his works.
All his works, not his wrath, but his tender mercies.
John 3:17
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
How are we saved? I don't believe this in a literal sense as I believe we are already saved, but I believe he saves us by teaching us about who we are and why we are really here. We have his unconditional love, and he wants us to use his example to learn to love others, but especially ourselves. He has said the two greatest commandments are to love and love.
You are worth loving Crystal, especially worth loving yourself!
I love this quote:
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”
- Theodore Rubin
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are not meant for this world and all its crap. It is just experience. God is telling you how much he is here for you. He is reaching out. Reach back and let him take you places you never knew you could go. Remember, in order to have a rainbow you have to get through the storm.
Love you! hope I am not irritating you with my comments.
I wish my arms could stretch over mountains and hug you.
I too read your post on another blog and was prompted to come here. Your struggles are known by God and have been felt by many women...myself included. I want you to know that there is SO MUCH MORE in the gospel than people realize, and when you find it, the JOY you will feel is immeasurable. Feel free to email me --carolinecbrock@gmail.com . You may get better support through women on the internet than through those in your ward. I am here.
Thank you so much, ladies. I really do appreciate all your help. I feel so alone, it is good to realize sometimes, that I am not alone at all.
i found your blog from fmh and had to comment. people in the church can suck, but not all of us are like that! I admire your courage, I would have left him a long time ago and i am VERY against divorce. Heavenly Father loves you and understands your pain. you are never alone!
Just wanted to be another person to say "I care" and "I'm so sorry for what you are going through." Of course the virtual world is never sufficient, but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that there are people out there who care.
I have watched other women go through horrible situations not unlike this, and it's heartrending. But I've also seen them find strength they didn't know they had. Hold onto your faith. I absolutely loved this post and I think it captures so well the kind of truth that can get you through this hellish time.
Good for you that you are writing, too. You never know how your journey might help someone, either now or in the future.
I'm from fmh too. I care. You're not alone
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