Pursuit of Happiness: We are that we might have JOY

I have been asked to speak about joy today. Ironically, or maybe not-so-ironically, I wrote about joy one day before I was asked to speak today. This is what I had to say about the subject on my blog while writing about Valerie’s 15^th birthday:

Valerie has been my motivation to do my best in all situations because that is what she deserves. There is nothing like the motivation of wanting the best for your precious child to motivate a person. I have had that motivation over and again in my life- during the most difficult and hard times, and it is what got me through. Fifteen years of being her mom has taught me so much, but most of all that it is time, patience, and love that matters and that joy is in people, not things.

When I hear the word “joy” lots of things come to mind, first, one of my heros- who happens to be a woman is famously known in the LDS church by these words:

“Were it not for our transgression we … never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient” (Moses 5:11). Also- “we must know sorrow, that we might know joy” This sentiment was explained to Adam, first man of creation, by his wife, Eve. Eve was a smart, smart woman.

In addition, I think about one of the first lessons I heard as I was investigating the Church: 2 Nephi 2: 25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. These two are related.

The third thing I think of is this:

Luke 2:10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you ^agood tidings of great ^bjoy, which shall be to all people. 11 For unto you is ^aborn this day in the city of David a ^bSaviour, which is Christ the ^cLord.

Trust me, not every thought in my brain is rooted in scripture- though I should definitely strive for that. Rather, I do not use the word joy terribly often, so my thoughts are absolutely rooted to the definition and understanding of joy as it pertains to my life and as I understand this fruit of the Spirit in my own experience.

I want to talk to you all today about a few things that the scriptures tell us. One: We should feel joy- I would even contend we should feel joy OFTEN- that is our purpose. It sounds like such a wonderful purpose and I think most of us would agree- especially after we emerge through our teenage years, that indeed, the purpose of life, is in fact, pretty amazing. What I hope all of us realize, however, is the pattern of joy that has been set up for us since humans were part of this earth. That is, in order to feel true joy, we must also have our hearts broken and open to being filled from experiences with sorrow. I can state unequivocally, I absolutely know and understand joy because I have, indeed felt the despair of sorrow. I would like to share with you a bit of those seemingly mutually exclusive experiences this morning that have led to a better, kinder me.

As a child, I often wished I did not exist. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5 and I was the oldest. We were taken here and there and everywhere, and by the wise age of 7, I began to realize my mother actually did not like me. This was something I was blissfully unaware of until I was 7- that is when the beatings began. It could be over something as big as eating a snack that I did not ask for, or something as little as being in the hallway, when she passed through. I lived my life in sorrow, and despite crying out for help- literally- to friends, family, teachers, etc., no one did anything. I knew sorrow, and worse than that, I knew despair when it was one of my younger brothers who was the physical target. I dreamed- until I was in my twenties of winning the lottery and taking them far, far away into a land of no hurt and no pain. I was in great despair. When I was 14, I was taken into foster care, then given to my grandparents. During this time, my youngest brothers remained with my mother. I became classic OCD and anorexic as I chanted, prayed, and “fasted” in constant vigil that my brothers would be kept safe.

When I was 16, my good friend’s little brother committed suicide. Until then, I had never known anyone who died. That this young man killed himself took many years for me to recover. The sorrow I felt for him, and for his mother overwhelmed me for many years.

When I was 18, the boy I had been dating was killed in a car accident. I will never forget my feelings when his mother called to tell me. I think, for sure, that was the first true agony I felt in my soul. His birthday would have been this week. Sometimes, I feel like he is still a part of my life- watching over me. As time has passed, the agony has lessened, but I still miss my sweet, dear friend.

After 8 years of marriage, I left my ex-husband, and moved my precious daughter to a one bedroom apartment- so different from the plans I had for her at that time. In fact, we had just purchased a home two years before, but he refused to leave, and someone had to- so it was me. For two years, I slept on the sofa, and often hid my car from repossession, as car payments were often late with my very small graduate student stipend being stretched beyond its limits. There were many days where I did not eat, and Valerie barely ate because I simply could not afford it. Those are darkly, desparing days that still humble me in a moment.

When my nephew, Gavin was born the same week at Sylvia Young, I rejoiced to be an aunt again. 22 days later, when he was found dead from SIDS in his crib, I thought I might never recover from the devastation left behind. I could not understand why any God would need a baby more than its mother.

After many miscarriages, I was resigned to be infertile and I was angry- everywhere, I saw people who did not appreciate their children, or who were , in my view, too young to properly care for them. I felt sorrow every time a pregnancy was announced, a baby was born, or I saw a round belly. I felt physical pain.

I have known sorrows in this life.

Ever since was a little girl, I also would walk, or ask to be picked up to attend whatever church was closest. Most of my friends did not care about church, but only went because their parents made them- however, I felt- what I know now- was love with no regret or anxiety. Often, in church, I felt joy. I felt it especially in the stories of the life of Jesus. I felt it when Roxanna Becker touched my face, lifted my chin, and told me I was precious- when I felt so disgusting and unwanted in my dirty clothes, shoes with holes, and parents who saw no value in me. I felt love in the way the old ladies always told me they liked my name and asked what size of clothes I wore. Often, I would be given hand-me-downs that I treasured like pots of gold. I am pretty sure I never was in current style- which explains all the ridicule as I was growing up, but throughout my life, those gifts of clothes, shoes, socks, time, conversation and attention… were given to me by people who believed in Christ that were led to help me although having no familial obligation to me. I know that with everything that I am I owe my convictions to them. It is my testimony of Christ that led me to seek out ways to carve out a better future for myself.

When I was 7, I asked my grandma how I could have a better life than the one I was living, and she told me: “Get yourself an education” and that day, my life goals- the big ones- were established. Since I was told on a daily basis- by peers, and even my parents, how ugly I was, I never valued myself in that way. I did, however value myself as a smart girl. That was the one thing that I was always complimented on “wow, you are smart!” It was from all the reading I did and my inquisitive nature. I read anything I could get my hands on- every book, every magazine, every recipe, even the bottles for soap and detergent. I read. I learned, I asked questions and learned some more. This inborn inquisitive nature, and the desire to “get myself an education” led me to excel academically. The day I graduated from college- the first EVER in my family, with honors, was a day I felt extreme joy. This sort of joy in achievement was only matched in the winter of 2007, when I successfully defended my thesis at UVA for the graduate work there.

In 2009, I was awarded a full-time faculty position that I never would have dreamed I would have even been chosen to interview for. For those of us who know our situation, it is clear that for our little family, me getting that job was imperative. I never even intended on working at JMU, but due to the encouragement to teach a lab there by my Bishop at the time, I have found my calling as a professional.

Those are all small joys in my life.

Here are some big ones:

When I was 20, I was first aquainted with true love, and the most joy I had experienced to that point of my life. After a very stressful pregnancy- wrought with morning, noon and night sickness for 40 weeks, (which I now know was brought on by my anxiety) my daughter was born. She depended on me for everything. She looked at me with such wise eyes, from the moment she was born. She taught me what love is and how exciting every little thing in life can be. “Look! A HORSE!” “ look at those Christmas lights!” “ I hear jingle bells” “mommy, holda my hand pwease” That is joy. Joy is in people, not things.

When I married Matt in the temple, then we were sealed to Valerie- my happiness was complete, but body was filled to capacity with joy so much so, that I could not hold back the laughter and hysterical tears at such an overwhelming feeling.

After 4 miscarriages, and for all the world what felt like a fifth, to see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat by ultrasound of a 5 week gestational Asher, that was joy too. When he was born 5 weeks early and evacuated to UVA for severe respiratory distress, I thought he might actually die. After ALL THAT, I though, my son might die because of my body. He was born because I was in severe pre-ecclampsia. He was so sick and helpless that I lived in constant tears for 8 days. This was especially hard because just a few months before, my precious nephew died.The pain and sorrow were so fresh. After 6 days, the baby I had only seen sleep, opened his eyes, and suddenly was healed. Taking him home was a joy. Every day is a gift, every moment, a miracle. I feel often, overcome by the realization that I have been so greatly blessed in my life.

Having the friends in my life who have done so much for my children and I has been truly humbling and utterly life-changing. It is the sacrifice of others- on the behalf of my children and I, that has compelled me to be my best self time and time again.

Also, Seeing what amazing fathers all four of my brothers have become, despite our very very poor role-models, often has me thanking God out loud. All I want for my nephews and nieces is to be loved. That my brothers love their children, is such a joy to me.

Last year, at this time, Asher could not speak. Within 2 months of speech therapy, he was talking. All the worries I had about autism, etc were assuaged and the joy I felt, caused me to weep.

In 2005, Barbara Workman said about joy:

Our capacity to feel joy actually increases as we righteously endure our pain.

Joy is not about having things.

Joy is not about being in the limelight. It is about changing lives, one at a time

Joy is not about looks or personality

Joy is not about leadership positions.

Joy is about faith in the cause of Christ.

Joy comes from being trusted.

Joy comes from seeing the fruits of your labor.

Joy is about overcoming.

Ultimately, joy is in Jesus Christ.

I know that joy is in Jesus Christ and that by learning of his life an his example- from beginning to end, I am inspired to be more like him. More recently, the things that bring the most joy to me and my family- are spending time together, focusing on the life of our savior, and doing good things for other people. Of all the things that I have done, loving others is what I know makes me the most happy. It is so true that serving others with a truly open and giving heart brings joy. Even when I have felt we had nothing to give, I have been inspired with ways that I could help bring a happiness to someone else’s life.

My profession affords me ways to make a difference in the lives of young people every day. While I know my first priority is to teach them, I have always felt that just as important, is my ability to love them. It is so important to impart a sense of belonging and needed to our young people. They need to feel necessary and wanted and encouraged, and I feel every single day, that that has been a role that I was meant to fulfill for them.

Finally, I want to tell you about an experience that changed me. When I joined the church, I suffered a tremendous devastation concerning a relationship I was part of. I felt afterward, that I no longer wanted to be alive. I was angry at God, I was bitter, and I was mad. After 21 days of crying so much that I had no skin around my eyes, and realizing I was being a terrible mother to my precious daughter, I sat in my graduate lab, closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed that I would feel better, that I would be able to have the will to live and in that moment, I felt tangible, physical arms holding me close and tight, and the tears of relief that resulted flooded my face. I was prompted to do some things that brought back into my life, great joy.

Look for three beautiful things every day.

Listen to beautiful music

Read inspiring books

Be kind to those who seem like they need it most.

Soon enough, I could not leave my 1 BR apartment without my camera, because I found if I was looking for something beautiful, I found many, many, many things all around me profoundly beautiful enough, that I wanted to have a visual record of them forever.

So many spiritual feelings were inspired from beautiful music- especially “come thou fount of every blessing” and a song I had learned in my prior church called “This is the Air that I breathe”

The Book of Mormon began to take deep root into my heart, and I found myself so much kinder because of the words therein.

I saw need in lots of places- my daughter, her after-school teachers, the old guy at the nursing home who told us he didn’t like to smile because it made his teeth cold… I saw people everywhere that I could help. And I did, I still do. Seeking that gift that day has changed my life.