Washington DC Circling the Wagons Mormon Stories Conference

Yesterday, Katy and I met up in the Food Lion parking lot, I hopped into her car, and we drove to Washington D C.  In DC, there was a Mormon Stories, Circling the Wagons event.  This is the second one ever, and the premise is to help build understanding between the conventional LDS church and those in the LGTBQ family.

I need to back up a little and talk about why I was there.  Being able to think about it over the past two days has been really incredible.  I spoke a little of it for those in attendance yesterday, but it was emotional and hard.  Being able to choose my words, change them until they match my experience, and really try to construct them is important to me.

I grew up in Kansas and Missouri- I thought being gay was just made up.

In college, I realized that there were girls kissing other girls and I thought- that is because there aren't any boys around. (All-girls school).

In graduate school, I realized that being gay was, in fact, very real and some of the kindest, most brilliant people I knew were gay.  That was especially true for my dear friend, John and his electric, handsome, well-spoken boyfriend Marc.  John and Marc changed me.  Especially John, because he was just so wonderful.  He is still!  He taught me much.  When his Marc got sick, and eventually died, I thought a little part of my heart had too.  It was just not fair. Not right.  What was amazing, though, is the love and support they got.  This is recent in our evolution as humans, some never were able to know this kind of understanding before death.

One day, I went out, and got a sticker from a group on grounds, and placed that sticker on the windows to our lab- it was a blue background, with a yellow equal sign.  Someone asked me "what are we promoting in the lab with that sticker?" I got scared, and thought- that was really dumb, Crystal.  Why would you do that?  But I said "equality for homosexuals" and everyone in that lab thought it was great.

I joined the church about 3 years later, in 2004.  I did everything by the book for many of the years from 2004 on.  I was told how to vote on the issue of marriage not once, not twice, but three times.  The first time, I was really shocked, as the line separating church and state had clearly been breeched.  I remember looking over my shoulder at the law student behind me and to my right, he didn't even blink an eye.  I did though, I felt so conflicted.  By the third time I heard the sentiment, I was more than just a little bothered.  I started doing some research.  Did you know there are numbers of gay students who have commit suicide at BYU? Probably not, those deaths are generally covered up.  Did you know the church subscribed, to electric shock and vomit aversion therapy by a group created by the church called Evergreen International? The premise was showing gay and straight porn and when gay pornography was shown, the genitals were shocked or the person was induced to vomit? It is true, those things were done and I was deeply troubled. 

I was also struggling with a couple other things as well, for sure.  Then in Oct 2010, it was stated over the pulpit by one of the very top leaders in the church, that "being gay" was not natural, and it was impure and that a loving Heavenly Father would never "do that" to a person... Well, after that, it was over a year before I would really go to church again.  I went a week here, then there for another 3 months, then I stopped totally for several months.  I do not agree with that statement.  It is wrong.  As a scientist, I saw many homosexual behaviors in test animals, and it is actually quite genetically known, that mutations in specific genes induce homosexual behaviors.

http://neuroscientificallychallenged.blogspot.com/2008/07/bisexuality-in-drosophila.html

and this one, talks about the neural circuits in such:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2196133/

Sure, humans have the ability to make decisions, but who we are attracted to, just is not up to us.  I tried to like a few boys back in the day because they were just so fun, or witty or smart that were just more unattractive to me (as compared to the cutie I married), and it was just no good.   Being told you MUST like women when attracted to men would be brutal.  I am very straight.  Very.  I just do not feel it is ok to press my "normal" persuasions on people who are attracted to the same sex.

There are many in the church who have committed to being married to an opposite gender, had babies with them, then left after a decade or so, realizing the havoc they were wreaking to "who" they were and let's face it, no woman or man wants to be married to a person who is not attracted to them.  However, we are told that gay marriage will destroy the family.  I think that pretending to be straight until it hurts to much, leaving your children and marrying another person of the same gender is probably a bit more traumatic.  Also, again, no one wants to be left by a person for someone of the opposite gender.  That is so damaging.

Last month, a remarkable panel took place at BYU to standing-room-only.

This is a major step forward!  I was very upset by the man married to a woman who thought it would be funny to mention his medicated wife's lack of libido meant he was now attracted to her more than she was to him- that is TERRIBLE! Their children will see that in print one day, rest-assured.  In the meantime, the wife will see it out there for all the world to see, and so will all her friends and family.

It is good to be open about this, but to advocate straight marriage for gay people is disturbing.

The next day, this video was released (and it is AWESOME!)



So, when I realized, by very dear, personal friend Mitch Mayne, and another hero, Carol Lynn Pearson was coming to speak , I was onboard!

The day was amazing, as we went into the sanctuary, the feeling of heartache was deep and almost visible.  There were many, many hurting gay men present.  There were a few lesbians, and a couple straight allies.  For sure, the most in attendence, were heart-broken men.  Most of whom had been shunned by family, friends, and the church they had dedicated their entire lives to before coming out.  It was a palpable feeling of sadness.  We sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" and the voices made my heart so full.  It was a by-and-large audience of men.  I was so grateful to be part of that chorus.

First, Mitch talked about this idea that "being gay" is a test, but he turned the tables.  He said, "maybe the test is not for us, but through us," He then asked "my straight brothers and sisters, will you love us, accept us, strengthen us and treat us as Christ would?"  It made me cry.  He then said "do not push us away from the One who loves us most."  The way to accomplish this is by being kind, accepting, and loving.  Just as we are asked to be.  Mitch, I am there, buddy, I am your ally, I will be kind, loving, accepting and you do not have to worry about judgement from me, and really, that is the way it should be.

Then, Carol Lynn read this poem of hers, that also made me cry



Then, a men's chorus sang it, even now, the memory of the voices singing that song, makes me weep.

These lines... they make me weep.

I have packed the handcart again
Packed it with the precious things, and thrown away the rest
I will sing by the fires, out there on that uncharted ground...

...I will be alright, my people are mormon pioneers

She then spoke and told us to go to the basement and look at our foundations and make sure they are correct before using things like scripture to bolster our claims.  Then pointed out the big sins generally attributed to be "anti-gay" in the scriptures where the pure text often refers to the worst sin as inhospitality (amen).

She was amazing.

We then had a break out session, and I got to hold a new baby for an hour and listen to men share about their experiences as spritual beings cast out by a church who did not want them.  It was good to hear from others that wards in San Fracisco, and DC were welcoming openly gay individuals.  Those present were asked to stay in the pews- and reactivate  because there will be no change, if there are no people in the church who need change.  I agree.  Often, those making the rules, don't even know anyone who is gay (and amazing, spiritual, articulate, loving and looking for acceptance).

Katy shared and cried and was an instant hero. She is a strong, straight ally.

We had afternoon talks from a nun Jeannine Grammick who told us what helps and hurts.  She has been active in the catholic church since 1971 building bridges and she is an absolute delight.  I love her.  She sat with me at dinner and we talked for over an hour.

Then a mom of a perfect son spoke about her experience when he told her he was gay- she was angry and confused and prayed and felt one thing- love him.  And that has been her mission.  She is in the video below.

Then, there was Julie Hunter (LOVE HER!) who introduced the video and talked about not wanting to come out because she was so upset on behalf of her parents.

The amazing Julia

I was at the front of the church and behind me, the weeping was overwhelming. There is so much hurt, friends.  We must do something about this.  It is not a choice and does not do anyone any good to act as if it is.

Finally, there was an open stories event and many got up and spoke, I was so touched, I could have stayed for days listening to them.  I want to listen.  I want to feel.  I want to love.  I want to help.  I want to keep with this and not stop until acceptance is the norm, and not the exception.

I am so grateful to be able to help, even if it is just a little.  What I can say, is the number of allies was so outnumbered by those affected, personally at this conference.  Even so, we will carry on.  We will bear some of that burden and we will love you for all the beautiful things you are.  Thank you, Mitch, for being so strong.  You have educated me.  Thank you, John,  for being the picture of grace and beauty a decade ago.  Keep going.  My job is to love.  My job is to accept.  My job is to help you on this journey of finding peace and hope.

I love you, even though I may not know you.  Because I know your heart.

Mitch and Carol Lynn

Mitch, Katy and Me