Yikes. Today was a good day in terms of Asher being happy and Valerie being happy. I was not unhappy, but from about 2 on, I started feeling pretty awful. By 5, I was just exhausted and so glad that Asher actually decided to fall asleep for his nap then. I slept till 9, leaving Matt, Valerie and Asher for dinner without me.
I wish I knew what was wrong, this is seriously getting to the point that I am just very concerned. I have had sinus issues since April, but I also have a terrible headache and stomach ache. I realized at about 11 tonight, I had not eaten today, so I made myself eat a bowl of cereal. I just feel terrible. All I think about is sleep. That is not much fun for any one of us here. Blah.
I had a long talk today with Jenn about the life that my brothers and I had as children. That was an interesting talk. It used to be, that I would hide any and all semblance of that from everyone- afraid that they would judge ME for it and find me as worthless as I felt. Over time, I realize that those things had nothing to do with MY worthiness, but with the adults in my life's worthiness and now, it almost feels like that all happened to someone not me. It is very strange.
However, after all that, I fell asleep and had terrible nightmares about being a child again in that situation. It is amazing how in a dream, I can be transported right back to that horrifying time in my life, where I felt and was really so helpless. In my mind's eye, I can go right back to that place that I have not lived for 20 years now. It is so strange.
Krissy is stable so what WAS 24-28 hours is now being expanded, which of course, is great news. This is the second time she has been given the grace of more time, and I think there are many of us very aware of this gift and the hand of God in it. I love that family so much, I just pray for the health of little Madison and want her to have as much time to develop as possible.
Thursday, Valerie gets to go horseback trail riding with young women. I tell ya, the girl is having such amazing experience. I am so grateful for that. If it was not for amazing friends and an amazing young women program, her summer would be pretty boring.
That being said, I am in a battle with her dad right now. He was supposed to pay payments on her school trip June, July and August and I would pay Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec. We TALKED about this a while back and I even sent him a detailed payment schedule, I called 32 times, I left texts and voice messages and he claims he "didn't know" and the first payment is due tomorrow- the 22- out of my checking account. I don't have the money, so it looks like that trip that she was so looking forward to, is not happening. It angers me.
Her (really lovely) grandfather called me about it Saturday and hung up on me when I suggested he (Valerie's Dad) get a job at which he works more than a week or so out of the month, so that was pretty nice. One day, they will realize that he is the one in the wrong, but until then, I am going to be blamed for everything. How nice to never have to be accountable and be able to have someone to blame for all the crap he pulls.
I got a really nice card from Julie today. I am glad I had the opportunity to nanny for her- she surely is one of the kindest, most-gracious people I have known.
4 comments:
I am reading a book called "Little Bee" right now. I think I understand a little better about how real the past is and the necessity of odd coping mechanisms. In the book, she imagines how she would kill herself in every single situation she is in. It seems very dark--but knowing that escape is possible allows her to relax in her environment. I have been thinking about how we cope. I think that imagining the worst is a way of finding the strength to face it. You have faced an incredibly harsh reality--and where to many people remembering it is simply filling your life with negative thoughts--these aren't thoughts--this is your reality. And I don't think people can really understand what it is to have such things as a concrete part of your universe.
I don't think it's quite as simple as saying--"Just let the past go." I don't even know if that's possible. but i do think you need to figure out how your strange way of coping with the impending doom that such a past creates in your mind. The possibility of the past repeating itself is remote--but it happened once, so there's this dark fear that what seemed impossible once--could very easily be possible again.
I want you to find a way to feel at ease about your present and your future, whenever you enter a room. For Little Bee it was imagining how she would kill herself. For you, it might be imagining the jokes you would tell as you lived in a paper box and how Asher would look cute as a bug in a rug in newspaper diapers. Imagine joy in the face of the worst that could happen.
I don't know. I will stop rambling. I love this book though.
but I love you more.Fer sure fer sure.
I realize I was thinking so fast that I might not have been clear. Through all my incomprehensible mumbo, know I love you dearly and want the demons gone.
So sorry you're feeling so terrible. We sent you some antibiotics today - Avelox - 1/day for sinus infections. They were samples we had around here. I hope they help - get rid of the headaches and get you some energy back. If that doesn't work, you will need to go to a doctor. Don't worry about the $$. We'll help. crystal, i put in the first comments,then david. we really are sorry you are feeling bad so much of the time. you really, really need to nourish yourself. going all day with no food is not good for your health. please keep us posted. we love you (and matt, and valerie, and asherP. debby (and david)
You should try the "great taste no pain diet."
http://www.greattastenopain.net/
It sounds like you and her had similiar digestive issues. It is basically a diet eating anything, but in the right combination. I did it for a while to see if it would help with bloating. I think it helped. It is actually a pretty easy diet, but might be worth a try. And David and Debby are right. You can't go all day without food and then expect your body to treat you well. You need to lovingly treat it well too, and it will respond. Love you!
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