One of the most-touching talks I have ever heard was given my Gordon B Hinckley. It was called "Tried in all Things." All I can find is a link to the DVD with the talk on it. I WISH I would find it to embed here. It is wonderful.That being said, the one I DID find was pretty good too.
When I think of the mormon pioneers, I get all sorts of emotional. I CAN NOT IMAGINE that reality- walking across the country, everything on a cart and pressing forward, forward, forward with my children cold and wet or hot and miserable, but always hungry. That just makes me so thankful to not have been born in that time of the world. It is terribly sad to learn about some of the stories on that trail, but I find myself drawn to them. I think it serves to keep me humble.
Four years ago, Valerie and I drove to Utah from Virginia- in a trek sort of like that of the Pioneers- albeit in a car, but the long day of driving across Wyoming gave us time to think and talk about lots of things. I thought of how many walked that area and my heart was tender. The night we arrived, we went to Temple Square which is one of my favorite places on earth. The Spirit was definitely filling us both that day. When I think about that trip, I think of how awesome it was to have that much time to sit and think and talk. The radio did not work, and the cigarette lighters had been deactivated, so we could not watch the DVDs on the player Valerie bought... or listen to my iPod. I honestly wanted to not drive the car to the family as I had promised because that car was old, shakey and definitely, there was NOTHING to entertain us. However, it was a great trip. We stopped to see my mom in Missouri, we stopped to see my grandparents in Kansas, and we drove allllllllllll the way across Wyoming, the most-desolate place I've seen so far.
Things for us have been pretty rough this summer. I am beginning to fell hopeless and constantly, I am teary. THIS is not what I wanted for my children and I did every single thing I could to prevent it. But here we are, experiencing depression, hunger, and inability to do anything we want to despite all my efforts to thwart it. Lately, it had been to the point that I sit quietly often and wonder, "Why?!" and I get angry when I see pictures of beach trips, amusement park trips or even midnight trips to see a movie. It is just so, so far from our reality! It makes me sad. and. I am humiliated often. I try to make sense of it- I actually have been pretty good about making decisions, pretty good about being faithful and being moral, I did not make the same mistakes a lot of my friends and most of my family made when it came to education, sexual things, etc... but we are really struggling and absolutely, I often feel strongly that it is not fair. I see others with so much more who have "put in" so much less and it honestly angers me sometimes. the highlight of my day is when Matt gets here and I have help with Asher. We don't go anywhere, we don't do anything, but for a little while, it isn't just me. That is about as good as it gets. I have needed to go into town to fill out some paperwork for work for 2 weeks now, but I can't. Besides, it really is no fun to take Asher in with me. I always end up sweaty and impatient. He is all sorts of onery. It is just like- "really? REALLY?" sometimes. Sigh.
Deep breath...
Today, I went for a drive (and I shouldn't have, my car has had 4 gallons of gas in it since Friday, but that is another story). And I prayed. Asher was quiet, I was out of my house, which is where the confusion sets in mightily and I prayed for understanding, for courage, to feel better and to have the desire to keep going. I felt my heart soften and I felt loved. Then I came home and thought of the pioneers. They really did have it so much worse.
What I realized this evening is that I should not take this personally. I tend to think God thinks I suck and that is why my situation is so rough, because of me and all the feelings I have been combatting for a long time dealing with self-worth come right back to take over my mind. I have been fighting these feelings of inferiority all my life, but have overcome most of them in the last ten years, but when I feel so beat down... Those thoughts tend to take over. I need to realize how to stop them and not take the situation personally.
1 comment:
I am so sorry that even as you have hope on the horizon, things are so difficult for you right now. Please know that we all care and want to help where ever we can.
That video was very hard to watch, but Oh so touching. Not many things make me emotional as do stories of the pioneers' hardships. No one should have to be that cold and that tired. I suspect there is a special place and reward for them in the kingdom, for all they sacrificed for the Lord's cause.
No matter how hard things get sometimes, there always seems to be someone who has had it worse, and there is One who has experienced all possible suffering. He knows what you are going through. He allows it for a time as part of your earth experience, but He will not forget it, and will not forget you. For whatever reason, He cannot physically intervene, but He will always provide you comfort through His spirit. Let Him carry the load for you.
David
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