Did you know three of my ex-boyfriends (circa highschool, I was married as a freshman in college) died in car accidents? It is true. For a while, I thought I was cursed, then I got over it. Recently, I have taken to that thinking again.
Doug died in Feb of 1995, TJ in summer 1995, then Bryan Fall of 1995. All in car accidents. TJ was killed right in front of the place I was working. His was actually pretty awful. I went outside when things had calmed down and I could see his hair stuck to the road. I can not believe I just typed that.
About 5 years ago, I got a "blessing" and in that blessing I was told that Satan and his followers vowed long ago to destroy me when I chose to follow Christ. I hated - make that HATE- that blessing. It makes the cloud over me all the more real.
Around the same time, I asked my very good friend, Brother Harris about this and he was quick to assure me that Satan has no power over me unless I give it to him. How crazy is that? This was all at the same time I had been betrayed by someone I loved and that was really hard on me. One morning... a lot like tonight, actually, I could not sleep. As I lay on the sofa (where I slept for 2 years), my dog started acting funny. I could feel the presence of evil in that room with me. I closed my eyes tight and prayed that God would make it go away. Suddenly, I felt the presence of good- a spirit to my left. To my right was still evil. I knew the only way the evil would go away was if I looked over there and told it to go away in the name of Christ. I opened my eyes, and saw a black body-less shape near Bailey. I told it to go away in the name of Jesus Christ and it did, I felt peace and calm as both presences physically left, but I could not sleep. Brother Harris told me that it was so I would know Satan is as real as Christ. He was right, I deliberately chose to minimize my thoughts of Satan. An odius being delighting in the misery of others is not something I can begin to understand.
Why?
Why me?
Why cant I just bumble through life with little stumbles and frustrations? Why is it always huge drama, heart ache, crisis management and sadness? I have seen enough sadness for one lifetime. I am sure of it. I have proven my allegiance, I know I am strong. When will life be manageable in a normal way?
7 comments:
I was up until 3am this morning out in Utah. I felt my heart literally breaking. I thought I would have a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, the pain was so severe. And then it just wasn't anymore. It was like liquid spread across my heart and stopped the pain. And now I just don't feel anything. I don't know that not feeling anything is better-but it's something. I find it ironic that you were in pain at the same moment that I was in pain. We are truly sisters. I wish I could be there for you. I appreciate this entry. Satan is so real. I'm having a difficult time believing in hope. I don't even know what on earth to hope for anymore. I love you dearly.
We are, Eve.
It is true, for me the numbness comes then the tears come... It is cyclic, but being busy helps. So... I stay busy.
I hope not to be controversial; I would like to share my thoughts. I too have felt dark presences in my life. I used to believe in Satan, now I can see that if he does exist, he is not what I was taught he was.
One night while praying, I saw myself in my minds eye. Suddenly I morphed into a hideous creature with a mocking smile that took up half my face. I was so frightened I jumped up off my knees and called my dad. I asked him what that meant. He told me to ask God and he would ask too.
Several hours later he called and told me that he understood what that meant. All my life I have been plagued with self image issues. This particular dark presence was in my life to teach me. He wasn’t there from Hell, or some dark entity to destroy me and my light. There must be balance in all things, and if I looked at it, my negative self image has done great things for me in my life such as my knowledge of health and nutrition, and my ability to be completely empathetic with others who struggle with it as well. He reminded me though, that it was time to let it go now.
So I re pictured this image and thanked it for the things it taught me. Then released it and told it about God.
I love you Crystal, we are more powerful then we have been made to believe. Believe in your power. You are a powerful spirit, meant to open minds and bring the world into its new knowledge of Good, Love, God, Personal power, and purpose. Hang in there. Look for the light, and be grateful for the darkness too. You are incredible!
I once heard someone say "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist."
I feel that it is dangerous to believe that there is no devil. It goes contrary to teachings in the scriptures and the the plan of salvation.
Tis true if you believe that the scriptures are absolute fact with no metaphors to apply to the different situations in everyone's individual lives.
I meant no harm to Crystal in expressing my thoughts.
DON'T you worry about it harming me. I question WAY MORE doctrine than anyone I've met yet. Darn, all those life experiences and good people outside "the church". I suppose the interesting thing here, Katy is that our scary experiences led us to dioppositional understandings. It is ok though, I am ok with that. I do believe my intrepetation was right for me. When I read about what the topical guide has to say about Satan and I think about the temple endowment, I recognize truth to that real experience I had. It was one of the few realizations of spirits I have had. While the other experiences have been good ones, that one was just as teaching to me... But it still gives me shivers... Yyyiiikkkkeees
Thanks Crystal. I feel safe sharing my thoughts with you. As soon as you can, you need to go see Inception. Very thought provoking and out of the box. Let me know if you see it, I would love to talk about it with you.
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