I was all excited that today is the fifth Sunday so I didn't "have" to teach the lesson. It is here, the long story is so, so bizarre and if you cut that out and your girls are not talkative (mine aren't after the boys leave), there is a lot of time to blah, blah, blah. Occasionally, I just let them have time to socialze, but not often. It is not intentional, but it does happen. The last time was over 6 months ago, but still... Anyway, I got a phone call telling me that the bishopric was, in fact, NOT going to be teaching so it is me... I was like "Oh no!!" then I went a-searching.
One angle to take would definitely be anti-abortion, but I did not want to spend 20 minutes on that. That is not the kind of feel I want to leave the girls with for the rest of their Sabbath. I want to leave them feeling the goodness and warmth and love of the Spirit. Besides, next week, we get to talk about abortion. And eggs. And sperm and the plan of God in procreation. Love that lesson, it is so fun. No one makes eye-contact with me until they realize how not uncomfortable I am with it ;-)
Anyway, in my travels, I came across this talk. It was written by Elder Nelson, and I typically love his talks. I was surprised how fast he remarried when his wife died, but I digress. Anyway, the talk just grabbed me and made me feel the wonderful spirit. It was given in the late 80s, most-definitely in response to publicity about potential denigration of women in the church. It is a beautiful talk. I especially loved:
A worthy woman personifies the truly noble and worthwhile attributes of life. A faithful woman can become a devoted daughter of God—more concerned with being righteous than with being selfish, more anxious to exercise compassion than to exercise dominion, more committed to integrity than to notoriety. And she knows of her own infinite worth.
Perfection, but at the end of the talk, I was just left confused- with so many questions. One excerpt that made me squirm was:
A woman teaches priorities by precept and example. Recently I watched a television program in which a female lawyer was being interviewed. She was at home with her child on a full-time basis. When asked of her decision, she replied, “Oh, I may go back to the law sometime, but not now. For me, the issue is simple. Any lawyer could take care of my clients, but only I should be the mother of this child.”
Why? Because this does not leave any room for interpretation. This says absolutely, 100%, women who have small children should be at home. The issue is, there are some women who are great mothers who CAN'T stay at home, no matter what they "want" and it often has NOTHING to do with faith, ability, or anything of the sort. It has to do with so many other things.
Then there was this:
ikewise, men have important but different assignments. We learn from the scriptures that men are to hold priesthood responsibilities and, as husbands and fathers, provide for (see Rom. 12:17; 1 Tim. 5:8; D&C 75:28; D&C 83:2, 4) and protect their families (see D&C 134:6, 11). From the beginning, the priesthood has been conferred only upon men, coming through the “lineage of the fathers.” (See D&C 84:6–16; D&C 86:8; D&C 107:40–41; Abr. 1:3–4.)
There are men who are unable to do this- again, having nothing to do with faith, ability, desire, beliefs, etc.
My sadness is that if our young people are taught for 18 years, that women should be wives and stay-at-home mothers and fathers should make enough money to allow for that possibility, it can cause REAL and SIGNIFICANT identity and worthiness issues in those individuals.
While I accept and actively DESIRE those roles, I also feel like we have to talk about alternatives- and not as consequences- as possiblities that have nothing to do with how "good" you are.
It also realllllly makes me wonder- if there ARE so many alternatives, why are things presented as if it is one way? I just do not understand and I struggle with this a lot in my own life, but also in trying to understand amazing women I know who are single, or married couples who struggle with infertility.
Finally, in Matt's Patriarchal blessing, it is mentioned "sons and daughters" and while I know some of these things are things that may happen after life on this earth, I have felt TREMENDOUS pressure to be doing what I need to in order to see that fulfilled. While I have had SEVEN miscarriages now, and surely, there are sons and daughters galore, I still fill pressure to make that happen in this lifetime despite my health and our crisis of making a living.
It is so hard to know the "right" thing to do when life is in crisis like mine is right now. It seems so many things are di-opposed and not at all easy to understand. Finally, I will say, that I have friends (younger than I by 10 years) who were in 5-6 children families and I was really surprised (sort of) to hear that the oldest child in that family felt so cursed (maybe not cursed, but I can't think of another word) that he was oldest because he did not get the opportunies that his younger siblings did as his father finished his doctorate. That is something I have often wondered about too. If the process lasts into the teenage years for the oldest children, is that fair?
Goodness knows I feel guilty about Valerie and knowing that she is almost 14 and it has been a lot of struggle. At the same time though, we have done and seen and felt some miraculous things as a pair, and as part of this little family. I dunno... it is interesting to consider such things, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel with "one way" explanations.
This is what Valerie wants to be for Halloween. I totally love it. Of course, there is the omni-present "what about the shoulders?" But eh. We are also hoping to find really cute leggings as this is a little short, but so is Valerie, so that will help. The good news is that Halloween is on a Sunday, so Asher will have his FIRST UVA LAWN HALLOWEEN EXPERIENCE. I am a dork, I know, but I am super excited about this. The colors are magnificent in the fall on the lawn and I have some inCREDible pictures from Valerie's many years trick-or-treating on the lawn~
8 comments:
I briefly read through the lesson as it is written in the manual. The story of a woman named Cindy who you discover is mentally handicapped left me very confused. I still have no idea where they were going with that story.
Honey, I agree that they need to not present things as a one size fits all course of action. You yourself are an amazing mother and unfortunately have not had the luxury of being a stay at home mom. Maybe a better way to present this point is by saying something to the effect of "If this is possible...".
Thanks, Matt. The thing is, that I HAVE heard people say "if it is possible..." but there is a definite undercurrent that there is the take that it really SHOULD be possible in every family and that just is not realistic... as our lives have proven.
It is as your therapist said- this is not a short-term work arrangement here. It is likely a lifetime work arrangement and best case scenario, you may own your own successful business or thrive at an evening, part-time job. I just wish it did not make me feel bad that I am doing what I am to try to help my family. I know you are too and those are two incredibly important asides that do not fit into the paradigm above.
First thoughts--be careful when reading articles from 20 years ago. I love them--there are wonderful things in them--but the world has changed in 20 years and the counsel from the apostles is sensitive to those changes.
Second--life isn't fair. It just isn't. You can't create a fair life for your kids. This weekend I watched my parents buy a $2,000 mac for my little brother for his first year of college and I just about exploded. I had to go to the library or buy my own computer. My parents NEVER bought me a computer. But--eh--whatevs. I'm a better person for it and my dear sweet baby brother is a spoiled brat! Suh there! How's that for fair!;)
Eve- The manuals HAVE NOTHING NEWER THAN THE SEVENTIES!!! I KID YOU NOT! I do like the beginning of the talk though...
I have to update- I had planned to read the first half of talk out loud in class and discuss it using stories, observations, etc. Then ask all the girls to read the talk in its completion during the week in preparation for next week, which is REALLY a fun discussion.
Well, we got into YW and appaaaarently, the missionaries requested the youth be present today for the very interesting lesson about revamping missionary teaching of Preach my Gospel, so I did not teach today, but I WAS asked to teach next week instead of the presidency because of my familiarity of the delicate subject matter. How funny. So I am on next week and we WILL talk about the first part of Elder Nelson's talk then move on to the Sacred Power of Procreation.
I submitted my comment too soon...
I don't even know what fair is at this point, certainly the best students don't make the most money- I have clear and convincing evidence about that!! Hah Hah!! I always thought professors made BANK too... HAH HAH HAH!
I also have not found/heard toward women a whole lot outside "getting an education IN CASE you need it" but believe me, I looked for 7 days straight for a talk to address this specifically and the Elder Nelson article was as good as I found.
I am really not trying to be a brat, but it seems like things are contradictory in some aspects and that causes me upset because I am a - learn the rules and follow them- kind of girl. If rules about motherhood are subject to change at any time and situation, I am sort of left feeling confused and wonder what "the BEST" alternative is and if I don't have that- why?
Most members of the church are in a "unique" category in some way or another. The counsel given is general and is meant to inspire people towards the best possible solution. But, Joseph Smith said that the most significant difference between our church and others was the Gift of the Holy Ghost. You should never feel guilty or judged for making a decision that is best for your family. There's no substitute for revelation specific to each of our unique situations. I know families that are very happy and the wife works and the dad stays home with the kids. It's what's best for their family. And so it's right for them. I think the best lesson to teach girls about it is to get their education so that they can follow the Spirit and do what's best for their own families when the time comes.
It is true, Eve, nothing NOTHING is one-size-fits all when we talk about enormous things like lifestyle. What is hard, however is the very one-way dichotomy that the young women (and young men, I am assuming) are taught from 0-18 that they WILL be wife and mother and mother means staying at home to raise children. That is just not feasible for some families (clearly) and some women remain single. I know that friends (Kate) have really stuggled with self-esteem issues because of this one-way only sort of teaching she had for 2 solid decades of her life. Heavenly Father does not want her to think she is unworthy because some guy has not realized what a treasure she is... So she goes and gets an advanced education (I think she is in a PhD program now, she finished her Master's) and now she is an intellectual threat in a world where a bachelor's is rare. It is just saddening to me.
I must say, I was a "great catch" outside the church. Matt is the only person I dated after 3 years of being a single mom IN the church. That is tough. Thank goodness Matt was more open and accepting of non-traditional A,B, C roles, but little did I know that it was NECESSARY for our survival.
I love you Eve, you are the wisest friend I have. I mean that.
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