Oh how is it possible that this was just three years ago? You were 10, I was 30.
I dropped Valerie off at a gas station in Waynesboro, Va today. It is about 2 blocks from my ex-house and neutral territory. She is spending a week in North Carolina. I cried as soon as I pulled away. My heart is absolutely breaking for my daughter.
I had her at age 20. I was married and in my second year of college, determined to make it. I never wavered- in fact, I thrived. I ended up with a 4.0 my last 2 entire years of college. I was the ONLY one from the biology majors to get into any sort of graduate program straight out of college. I got into UVa, which is a GREAT school. I was so motivated.
That summer, I had three jobs, one in the morning at UVa in the vivarium- I worked 6-2pm, 40 hours a week. Then I worked 3-11 5 days a week at Cracker Barrel waiting tables and 16 hours a week selling jewelry at the mall. I had one day off the entire summer before I started graduate school. I continued working at Cracker Barrel until fall break when I really needed to have more time to pass the ridiculously-hard tests I had to take. Besides, I was making a stipend in my program because I was the only freshman to also be teaching. I taught genetics and intro bio. As a first year graduate student. I can not even believe that now. It sort of set the rest of my career in motion.
I worked hard for 7 years in graduate school, getting a separation/divorce right after my long, hard 4th year. All the time though, I knew it would be worth it. When I realized I had to get a job the summer I married Matt, I was sure that I would be able to write a thesis and nanny three kids because I was promised a 2 hour nap, every day. Then the four year old decided he was "too old" for naps and no thesis got written and I had to work, so... no PhD. I DID write a thesis (somehow) at the end of the summer/beginning of the fall and the same work, the same thesis 2 months later earned me an MS. How is that POSSIBLE?! It is though. At the time though, I just wanted it to be done. And I am. But I did not get what I deserved rightfully. Sort of the story of my life.
I worked my butt off so that my children would have a better life. They certainly DO have a better life than I did, but even compared to 3 years ago... Valerie and I had it better then. We did things in the summer, I was working, but we still did things.
I suggested she go to NC this upcoming week because I am so depressed seeing her lay down in her dark room all. day. long. There is nothing for her to do here, we can't afford to even take her to the pool, so she does nothing. It makes me cry. I am so sorry, Valerie. I thought by now, things would be better. I really did. I thought by now that we would do a fun thing or two now and then and that every day would not STILL be such a struggle. I feel so badly, but I love you. I am glad I have an education, I am sad it did not work out the way that I thought it would.
I suppose the other sadness is that I have not made the big mistakes. I have never been drunk, or smoked more than the one puff my grandma made me smoke when I was 7 at the kitchen table. I have never done a single illicit drug, I have had normal, not lustful relationships- never have I "shacked up" and lived with someone before marriage. Even BEFORE I was mormon, I had the moral fortitude to not do that, I have NEVER violated another person or their trust (though I have made a few mad at me for thinking and for disparity if goals in a particular situation), and I can honestly say, I am a good mom. I am not too hard, sometimes I am too soft, but mostly only after seeing a mean, critical mom. That does nothing but make me want to be better. What I just can not understand is... I DID the "right things". Why are the "right things" not happening to me?
I realized a long time ago, I really can not dwell on that, but sometimes, after dropping you off with your grandparents near the house you went to kindergarten from, it breaks my heart how different I imagined your life at age 14 would be. I love you, Valerie and I am sorry. I would say things will get better, but I actually believed that for a long time... and now I am just not sure what to expect. Know this though. I love you. You and Asher are my children, which means I want nothing but the best- of everything- for you, but I want you to know at all times, above all else, that I LOVE you more than I could have ever imagined and I am sorry things are not as I planned... and especially... as I promised.
No comments:
Post a Comment