THIRTY-FOUR

Well, I do this every birthday eve- I think about "where I am" and how it fits in with my plans, the choices I made, etc. This is the third year in a row that my birthday eve has been fairly sad. The crazy thing is that 28, 29, 30 and 31 were all such good GOOD birthday-eves. Now I am here for the third year in a row just wondering. What... the ... heck. In some ways, things are blessedly amazing. Valerie, Asher, my job and even Matt as a person. Those are all amazing, good things.

What is scary (still) is finances, juggling allllll the responsibilities in my life, and the anxiety that sets in any time I want to try to set goals or make plans. Now, in some ways, it is humorous, but one week (to the day) we made a family goal to save and work toward a vacation to the Harry Potter park in Universal Studios, Matt lost his job.

3 days after that, I had ANOTHER miscarriage.

Just thing after thing... it is wearysome and burdening. I feel like having desires sets me up for disappointment. How sad is that? I used to set goals, make plans and then work for them and enjoy them. No longer, my friends.

Today I was contacted by a friend who I met through an interesting source and he told me that when he asked about me, he got the "definite" feel that the interesting source hates me. Just as I suspected. I will say this, the people who dislike me the most are very few in number and don't know the entire situation. Moving on.

Anyway. I do have some good things. I am so grateful for my understanding of the Gospel and the Savior. I know that the atonement can allow us to heal from real hurt and agony. I have experienced it. I have never once wavered in my knowledge of this. Ever.

I do differ in opinion about some things that are choice -v- out of our hands (depression, anxiety... I do not think those are choices). I choose to keep going, do my best, not give up DESPITE those feelings I may have. That is a choice in circumstances I can not control. I will continue to do that and to do my best where ever I am. I take great pleasure in doing what I do well. It is important to me.

I have realized that all I want in this life is sisters. I watched an old Big Love and thought... see... I want that closeness. It is how I feel when I watched the Kardashians with my mom... It is how I feel when I have lunch with collegues at work. All I wanted was the support and love of sisters. I realize these relationships of love and sharing are so important. I also realize that making them and HAVING them is on my list of things to do for me.

So is getting back to an attractive, non-overweight size. I am actually on my way. It is nice to say most of my clothes, that were SO TIGHT are loose enough to pull on and off without unbuttoning. What a relief. I will continue this and actually have a PLAN for fitness that I will implement at work in down time. I did this at UVa too. It was a little easier having the AFC gym 100 steps away, but still... I can do this. It is important to me too.

I will praise my children at least 3 times a day and blog something great about both of them every day.

Today, Asher was so funny at the BBQ near us held at a church member's home. He was FULL-SPEED ahead the entire time. He simply does NOT sit still. He RUNS every where all the time. His cheeks were red, his hair, wet with sweat, but he still kept running. He is so different from any child I have EVER met. There are 5 or 6 kids about the same age at church and combined, they do not have the energy-level and wildness that he does. It is UNREAL. He is super sweet though, with his damp curls, red cheeks and blue eyes. He kept reaching up for Olesyia and she (tiny girl) would pick him up, then he'd want down... over and over and over. It was insane. He LOVES her and she loves him too. She liked the attention and I assured her it was because he sees how much of an angel she is. I am not kidding, I see it so clearly in her.

Valerie was cracking up all day about various things. She has a GREAT sense of humor. She started laughing when we drove past a junk yard saying, last time we drove by, I was with Alexis and I picked out cars for her!! She laughs and laughs when Asher screeches "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!" in his girly screech. She helps him to laugh when he is mad and get over what ever is causing his distress. She is also very protective over him. I love that. She ALSO is thrilled about school and in her typically funny humor, she said "This year I am going to try REALLY HARD! for 2 days" She ALSO has my talent for remembering her way. She remembers how to get places by images of the scenery in her head. I do that same thing! It is a blessing.
Asher does this too. We drive by my work building (which looks like EVERY other JMU main-campus building) and in front of my building only, Asher says... "BEEP!" because that is where the elevator and all its buttons are... My kids are brilliant. That is for sure. I am grateful they also are FUNNY and can be re-directed.

:-)

I am blessed, it is true. Now, to get a relaxing time to just relax and not stress.

enjoy some movies


Asher saying "NOOO!!" IT is normally longer and higher-pitched.

e



We live IN NASCAR land. One of the events of the county fair is Lawn Mower Racing. There are several divisions and the top-end speeds are anywhere from 8 to 50 miles an hour. Those 50 MPH ones, were causing my heart to hurt. That was SKEERY. We wanted to go to the fair, but were not so prepared to pay $5 a person entry fee. As we were leaving, these races started and they were right next to the road, so we just pulled over and watched. It was all sorts of entertaining. And FREE.