Talking it Out...

Today was therapy day. Funny thing is that Matt's therapist wanted to talk to... me. Not surprising really, but I was surprised to hear so many of the things that I myself have thought posed to me. I felt validated. Which, honestly, is really important at this time because I have questioned a lot about myself and my reactions. Matt's therapist asked me how long it was before I recognized Matt's anxieties...
Why I was still married...
and
If I was aware that I might always be the "provider" for our family? If that made me resentful.

I realized Matt was reallllly anxious about 2 minutes after I met him but I am too, I just fake it really well, so it never has bothered me. I realized it was a little more than anxiety about a week after we moved into our home. I then suggested he see a psychiatrist, which he did... He is supposed to be on medication (lexapro 20mg and adderal XR, but he has never been on either regularly because of insurance/costs).

I am still married because 1) Matt is the BEST kind of person. He is kind and good and loving and he tries 200x harder than I do, which makes it sad to realize how employment has ended up for him. It is not for lack of trying. 2) I need help with Asher. I can't even lift him up into his car seat or out of it. If Matt is not around, Valerie has to do it, if both are gone, I really struggle and end up in searing pain, sweaty and even tears a couple times. First, however, Matt is the best kind of man. He is kind, loving, good, never wavers on his faith... He is a good man. Better of a man than I am a woman.

She then suggested 2 weeks of "couple therapy" then for Matt to continue working through his "self worth" "self-esteem" and "effects of abuse" issues when I begin teaching full-force. I need to find a sitter in Charlottesville, but I will work that out.
She said that Matt has absolutely no value for himself and that makes me really and truly sad. It surely makes me want to make sure that he knows that I appreciate him.

After that, we went to the mall so I could pick up my Sephora birthday present.





Asher played at the play area and I came over, and took this picture of him, and realized that Matt did not even know I was there... there he is texting me. Anyway, we are in an interesting time for sure.




When I came home, I put on my free Sephora makeup. I used to do this every day, but Matt is not the only one with low self-worth. I put next to NO effort into my appearance. I do shower/shave regularly :-), but for me, getting ready is finding something (anything, I don't care what it looks like) to wear, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and I am ready to go.

The big bonus is that it takes me about 44 seconds from bed to car.


This is 3.4 minutes of make-up. I feel better, but I really do not like a lot about my appearance these days. Sigh.