Why Do I Feel All Alone

Over the past couple days, I have felt the burden of lonliness like no other.

I have felt I can not share, can not converse, can not say out loud the things that are troubling me. I have so many thoughts and feelings, yet I can not think of a single person that I can share with.

I have learned to not share with my mom, that makes a reconciled relationship down the road too hard because sometimes I hear about things that I have tried to move beyond.

I can not talk to friends in the church, they just don't get it and really want to talk about sparkles and stars and how nice it is to be mormon. Right now, I just do not feel that way and the almost-frightening dismissmive behavior of real and severe problems is not something I can deal with in a situation like that without raising my voice.

I feel alone. More alone than ever because my silence is being demanded and the current issues I am dealing with beg to be talked out, reasoned about and some cause and effect really does need to be discussed. But there is no one who will talk to me without somehow being offended by something I did not do. Make no mistake though, this has affected me, my faith, my family, my future, my present and past, my SELF more than any other thing I have had to deal with as an adult.

I just wish I had a friend.

A family.

I could talk to.

Instead though, I cry to myself whenever I am with no one else. My car, my shower and my pillow know my tears well.

I want to start over.

Fresh slate.

Eraser in hand, but I can't.

Someone moved my white board thinking that it would make all the ugliness disappear.

But it didn't.